January 13, 2024 · 9:53 am

Life Encyclopedia

In 2021 Kevin Garnett wrote a cool book, KG: A to Z: An Uncensored Encyclopedia of Life, Basketball, and Everything in Between. Instead of a traditional narrative structure, KG told his story by creating a personalized encyclopedia. The reader could look up a topic or word to read his insight or his story connected to that word like an encyclopedia. It was a cool book to read.

The past 10 months have been challenging. My perspective has been challenged on many different levels. Certain words or ideas have been the focus of some of those challenges. I thought it would be useful to use the same organization KG did for his book for this blog post. So, here is my Life Encyclopedia.

Art: The expression of the heart. See also, music, poetry, writing.

Blogging: See writing.

Death: The natural end of our time here. Everybody knows that death awaits for us all. Yet, we do not actually live like we know this truth. We waste time on petty issues, or involved with our screens in some mindless activity. We tend to live like tomorrow will always be there, so we feel like we can let today slide. I wonder what life would look like if we actually lived like we knew our time here ends.

Dreams: I debated on whether to use ‘dreams’ or ‘goals’ for this section. I decided on ‘dreams’ for two reasons. First, it sounds more poetic. Second, I feel that a dream can be accomplished, but even then a dream can still pull at your heart. And chasing our dreams should be part of our everyday existence. The pursuit of making our dreams a reality is what fills our spirit. Makes the hard days easier to endure. Our dreams are our purpose for being here. Some dreams change, some become reality, while we chase others our whole life. That is the beauty of having a dream.

Family: This is the most complex life topic I’ve been dealing with over the last year. Family has been a central issue all of my life. From living separately with both biological parents, to walking away from most of my bloodline, that allowed me to start my own family. 

There is the crutch of the idea of family. As a dad I have a saying (OK, I have a handful of sayings), “Family gets your best behavior.” The heart of this is to remind everyone that the most important people should not be treated better than strangers. Yes, there are disagreements and challenges to work through, but they are handled with love. Our home is the safest place in this world for everyone.

I never felt safe or truly loved growing up. I knew that, at different times, that alcohol and other people mattered more than me. Even as I’ve learned more about who my biological father was after his passing, I still wonder why I didn’t matter. Why their son was not worth their time or love.

Blood doesn’t define family. I mattered to Wayne and Janine (for new readers, Janine is my mom that passed away last summer). I found a home that was filled with love that showed me what a family could be like. No, it wasn’t perfect. This household isn’t perfect, but the foundation is love and acceptance. That is how a family is built.

Friends: Yes, a friend can be seen as family, but I think real friendship is its own unique relationship that allows it to be a separate component of life. I don’t have a lot of real friends. Oh, I have many friends and acquaintances, but honestly, I have one best friend. We have been friends since junior high. Yes, we have had some rough spots, and yes, it was over a girl, but what makes our friendship strong is knowing that we have each other’s back. We share our dreams and hardships. Even though we are miles apart, we do fun things, like right now we are sharing our top 100 songs of all time, but doing it one day at a time. We have been there for the big moments; we both were each other’s best man for our weddings. A friend is part of your foundation that brings a different kind of joy and support. 

Learn: The act of becoming who you are through different means; such as reading, living, questioning and other experiences.

Life: This moment right now, which is a mix of the past, dreams for the future, and the current emotion to create a unique experience for all of us.

Love: The center of life. 

Music: One of the many artistic elements that build bridges between people. For me it is a sanctuary. I always had the radio to accompany me when I changed houses, changed parents, changed my life. There is nothing like sharing a song with someone, finding common ground in lyrics and music.

Poetry: The way I understand this life. The artist way I can make sense of my emotions while processing the questions I have about how life unfolds. By writing poetry I understand myself more. By studying the art form I become better at writing, but also thinking, which allows me to come to terms with both the joys and sorrows of this life. Poetry also allows me to build connections with other people, other artists, other poets. I do not trust many people, but I trust poetry.

Real: My word for this year. This might be the hardest word for me because I do not show the real me to too many people besides in my poetry and other writings. The reason for this blog post is me trying to live by my word. At the moment I am skeptical that I can live up to it in this world that is quick to destroy anyone that tries to be real.

Writing: Poetry is my first love, but I wrote my first short story in fifth grade. I have been blogging for decades now. Writing, in all forms, gives me a sense of being. In a way it allows me to be the real me. Writing is like praying for me, even at this moment I have my “Writing” playlist going, I am pondering questions of the past, considering a few future opportunities I have and feeling some strong emotions that encompass a broad range – I am living.

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January 3, 2024 · 9:58 pm

A Son’s Reflection on Death

If you are a faithful reader of my blog you know I write a lot about being a father, but this blog post will be written as a son. And I have no idea where it will go. All I know is that I need to write something to help deal with finding out today that my biological father has passed away.

There are so many emotional elements that I am processing right now.

The first is dealing with the third death in less than a year. The harsh reality that our time here is limited and unknown. But I’m going to leave this topic for another day.

This post is about me as a son. Of spending most of my life dealing with the question of why I was never important enough for either of my parents to love me, to raise me, to guide me in this life. And now I won’t have the chance to ask my father… or as any son deeply desires, to know if he was proud of me. 

A blog post is not enough space to tell my whole story. To bring forth the pain his absence created in my life and does still to this day. And I am scared of the feelings I will have tomorrow.

He never saw me play football in high school or in college. He has never seen his six grandchildren. I never had my father to ask advice from. He lived his life as if I wasn’t here. 

And yes, I know that some of you are asking why I didn’t reach out to repair the relationship. First, a single blog post can not cover the craziness of my younger years. The alcohol and drug use my parents partook in, living with them with their new wife or husbands, moving from city to city. As I grew older, I understood how I was seen as a burden at times or other times simply forgotten by both of my parents.

And as I started a family, worked at being a good dad, I became even more angry at both of my parents because I did a good job of being a dad. Yes, it was hard at times, I have sacrificed for them, but I am proud of my kids. And that deep rooted question grew even more in my heart.

Why couldn’t my parents love me? Why wasn’t I worth their time?

There was a moment when my father and I reconnected for a brief second. We saw each other in person (a crazy story) and a few letters were sent back and forth but in the end it was clear that nothing had changed. I wasn’t a son he wanted to be a father to (he had another family). So I went on living my life, never having the question answered. 

But I am his son. And it hurts to even think about what could have been, maybe what should have been. 

I believe all children, but especially sons, just want to know that their father is proud of them. Sadly, now, I will never know. I am left believing he didn’t care… and that hurts the most.

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December 31, 2023 · 8:17 pm

Blueberry Muffins on the Last Day of 2023

This morning everyone was home for breakfast, even Mocha, the newest addition to the family (she is my second son’s dog). As we do almost every Sunday we had blueberry muffins. We also had scramble eggs and bacon, Mocha loves bacon. Even mom fed her a piece.

As we talked about the holiday break, I was struck with the knowledge of what a special moment we were in.  To have our family tradition of blueberry muffins on the last day of a year with everyone at the table. This day may never happen again.

Oh, we will have blueberry muffins next Sunday. We will all be together again, maybe with new additions as my older children build their adult lives. But this morning was unique, special on a number of different levels. 

But isn’t everyday unique? 

Even as we fall back into the routine of work and living, falling for the trap of thinking life is just a routine and each day is the same as the day before. It is not. 

There will never be a day like tomorrow. Yes, it is a Monday. But it is the first Monday of 2024. That will never happen ever again. What will you do with the unique day you have tomorrow?

There are important routines in our lives. Things we should do on a regular basis. These routines build a foundation for us, but each day we are given is new, and 2023 has taught me that it is not guaranteed. We know this… but we don’t actually live like we know it.

So, I challenge you to see each day for what it is… a new day that you have never experienced before. To live life with an appreciation for the routines, yet excitement for the new opportunities that the day brings.

Here is to a wonderful 2024!

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December 30, 2023 · 7:32 pm

One Word 2024

Puzzle piece with the word, Real written on it.

This is the 10th year of my family choosing one word for the new year. Yes, everyone in the family picks their word then we display it in the house. This year we have magnetic puzzle pieces that are displayed on a metal plate we are hanging in the dining area. The puzzle is put together. Our older children have a second puzzle piece to take with them to display in their own homes, but we wanted to have all the family words in the house to symbolize that we are still together even as life is taking everyone on their own journey.

My word for the year is REAL. My first thought was to use IRL, but it felt too ironic to use a texting phrase for the purpose of my word, even though it fit my goal associated with the word. To be more real in my life.

Yes, part of the idea is to not spend so much of my life in front of a screen. At least not doing meaningless things. Obviously many aspects of my life, my poetry, my writing, even friendships, are connected to the digital world. But I want to choose real experiences first, choose people, choose playing games, walking, and conversing with others. Even in the digital world. I want to make the connections I have with people more than a shallow tweet or clicking an icon. 

The other aspect for choosing the word is meant to help me breakout of the wall around my heart / spirit. I wrote about this feeling in November of 2022 in the blog post, “Tigger”. That feeling of living behind a wall was reinforced this year for a number of reasons. Yes, the passing of my mom and mother in law is part of it, but there are other small daily things that have added bricks to the wall I have constructed; from the classroom to the hurdles of chasing my dreams. I’ve spent too much energy adding bricks and mortar around my heart.

I am hoping this word helps in removing them because I don’t know how to get back to feeling happy and unafraid of living freely. 

So my word for 2024 is REAL.

If you participate in the one word idea, share yours in the comment section.

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December 25, 2023 · 7:07 pm

A Gray 2023

I am ready for 2023 to be over.

Not to rush forward through my days. But yes I’m ready to go through the ritual of counting down the last seconds of 2023 and celebrating the idea of a new year, a new beginning. 

This is not a post about living each day to its fullest, or some other motivational cliché that sometimes leads people to a false sense of reality.

This post is acknowledging the fact that the seasons of our lives can be filled with highs and lows… making for a gray year.

I started to tear up Christmas shopping last week. We were looking for gifts from my dad, and out of habit I said, “This can be from Grandma and Grandpa Hudson,” as I held up a book for one of my daughters. My throat locked up as I looked at my wife, suddenly holding back tears that wanted to run. (For any new readers, I lost my mom this summer… my wife lost her mom in September.)

There have been other low points, competing at poetry slams, rejection emails and other small nicks at my confidence as a poet and writer that add up.

There have been some cool moments, too. Published my book, While Death Waits, in October. I completed every challenge I set for myself this year. I’ve laughed with students and family. Read some great books. I have shared ideas with you, reader, through this blog. Been a guest on two podcasts this year. Plus, Dante and I have faithfully produced our podcast all year. 

There were some good days.

But as a year, 2023 was gray. 

Life is like that. And I think we hinder ourselves by trying to cover up or ignore the low points. When we don’t recognize the dark days, or try to fill them with color, we miss the opportunity to grow, to feel a depth of our lives that can strengthen us in so many different ways. We gain strength when we deal with heartbreak. We understand ourselves and life better by embracing the hurt. That understanding allows us to live that moment, but also the happy moments with more depth, more understanding, more appreciation.

It is not easy though. There were a lot of gray days. 

But I look sharp in dark colors…

Here is to a wonderful 2024!

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December 12, 2023 · 10:56 pm

Christmas Lights 2023

The house is quiet. I have just finished grading essays. I have my headphones on and my ‘Just Some Good Songs’ playlist on random. The Christmas tree is glowing, it is the only light in the house (besides the glow of my computer screen). 

And I am at a loss for words but feel the need to write. So, not sure where this post will go but I’m enjoying the way the keys feel as they rebound against my finger tips. I am awake because my mind is running trying to figure out how to express the depth of my emotions lately.  How to share the anger and disappointment I feel. How it feels like the world is out to prove that Hate wins, that people don’t really care about anyone but themselves, and that anything I do is kindle for the bonfire of apathy I see in the hallways.

And then there are the Christmas lights. Red, Green, Blue and White points of joy that seem to sing a Christmas carol that I can’t quite recognize, yet soothes my soul.

I make it through each day because my family needs me. But there are moments when I feel like all my joints are held together with masking tape and the next step will cause me to fall apart like a Lego tower. But I take the step anyway, and the tape holds.

And the Christmas lights continue to shine. And I will fall asleep soon with a hint of a Christmas carol playing in the background of my dreams.

But for now, I’m writing. For now I am hoping these words matter to someone besides me…

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November 26, 2023 · 8:40 pm

How not to fall apart

It was 26 degrees outside when I went on a walk this evening. There was no wind, so it was actually a nice evening. My face got cold, and I had to stop wearing my glasses because they fogged up pretty quickly.

I have not been at a 100 percent for some time now. I have good days, but some dark moments. Times where I want to dissolve into the air, to let my molecules fall apart hoping that will release the sadness from my soul. But somehow I hold it all together.

Here’s how I do it.

Walking. Like tonight, I took my short route because it was cold. I took the photo I used in the title banner on the walk. When I got home I had my daughter take the photo to the right. But the coolest thing happened on my walk. I saw the best shooting star I have ever seen in my life. The meteorite even flared out like a small firework. No, I didn’t take a photo. I stopped right in the middle of the street and watched it shoot across the sky. It was beautiful.

Taking time to walk, to think, to feel the emotions of the day allows us to remember we are here. That we are human. That we have our feet squarely on this earth, and that means a lot.

Writing. Even if it is just a note of something good that happened today. The act of writing builds a connection between our life and our emotions. Poetry is my way of making sense of the world. This blog is a bridge between you, reader, and me. Writing is creating a connection between the abstract of our spirit into a reality. So, is any art from. Writing is just my main art form.

Believing. I believe in Love. Without getting into any kind of spiritual debate or discussion, Love is proof that there is more to us than all the hate and other negative things we express in this world. Even though the world keeps trying to prove me wrong, Love changes the world. I believe this and try to live my life each day according to my belief. 

I have wanted to simply fall apart almost everyday since last April. There have been some really tough days. But I’m keeping it together by living through the things that matter the most to me. I may still fall apart (we all do to a degree) but I know I’ll write about it because I believe one of the most powerful ways to show love is to be true to what makes us who we are.

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November 21, 2023 · 8:04 am

Music Post Pick Me Up

I needed something to change my mood today. So I decided to write a music based blog post. Two of my favorite things. Plus it has been about six months since my last music based post. It was time to share some music with you.

First song up is “Never be a Right Time” by Tom Grennan. Right now, my second daughter and I jam out to this song in the car. This is one of the wonderful aspects of life, sharing a song with someone. A song that both of you light up to when those first notes start. Right now, this is ours.

Second song is a personal classic. My best friend and I are creating our top 100 songs of all time. We are having a hard time deciding on what format the final list should be presented in because we both have songs that are not available on streaming services. We have the cassettes or CDs copies of the songs, but to burn CDs for the final 100 songs would take some time. Now, YouTube does have some of the songs… but not all of them… but it does have one of the songs I want on my list… from 1987 Saga, “Only Time Will Tell”!

The third track is a song my daughter introduced me to, and it just makes me feel good when I hear it. And that’s what this post is about. Lily Mae Harrington, “TGTBT”.

And the last track for this post is not as ‘happy’ but that is OK. My mom and I would share music with each other over the years. One artist we both love is Teitur. When I visited my dad this summer, he was playing music in the living room. As we got settled he asked if I remembered how mom and I loved Teitur. He then switched the music to his first album (which I had given my mom as a Christmas gift). 

I could tell he had been listening to music to help with the pain of losing his wife, his best friend. Music is one way we build connections with people. Music takes us back to moments in our lives. Music helps us in so many ways… Here is “Rough Around the Edges” by Teitur. (Yes, in my top 100 of all time!)

Enjoy the music today!

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November 8, 2023 · 9:19 am

From Home to School

As many of you have, we have a route we take every day to school in the morning, then follow the route in reverse from school to home. It’s part of the daily routine. It takes about 15 minutes to get to school, 30 minutes round trip. That’s if there is only one trip that day.

Yesterday, I made three trips to school and back. At the moment we only have one car. So, my daughter had morning basketball practice. I dropped her off and returned home to get the rest of the crew for school. At the end of the day we went home, then to my junior high daughter’s game in a nearby town. After her game we returned home, but I had to go out to school to get my other daughter who was making sugar skulls for her Spanish Club.

We finally settled down at home after 8 o’clock last night.

It got me thinking about how many times I have traveled the streets from home to school and back again.

So, being conservative (I did not include summer or holiday breaks or even weekends when I come to my classroom to grade.) I calculated some numbers.

We have lived in our home for about 12 years. My oldest son started junior high around that time. In those 12 years… again conservative numbers.

I have traveled 33,000 miles on just that route.

Adding up the time… 84 days traveling that route! If I started driving back and forth from home to school to home without stopping today, I would drive that route continually until Jan 31, 2024.

It’s been a hard year. Even now my wife’s side of the family is dealing with another tragic moment. Time and the importance of my life have been factors that trouble my soul, but as I thought about this small moment, driving to school, I realized two things.

One: Life happens in the smallest moments. Singing songs, laughing at my bad dad jokes, venting about a bad day, getting a blueberry muffin at the coffee shop as a surprise, all these moments are the moments that weave the fabric of my life. The quality of my day is elevated in this routine. The bonds with my children and my wife are built in these small moments.

Two: There are no throw away moments in life. Our daily life has routines that fill lots of time, usually in small chunks. But it adds up. To be honest, this was something I thought about as I listened to my dad talk about mom at her graveside. How a life is not defined by the big moments. A life is the individual strands of yarn we weave together to make a tapestry of living. If we do it well, others can find warmth and comfort by wrapping it around their shoulders.

Today, we only have two trips to make. I have some new dad jokes to tell during the trip.

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October 30, 2023 · 8:09 pm

And Now What?

My newest book of poetry is now available, While Death Waits.

It has been almost three years since I published my last collection of poetry (These Words Believe in Ghosts).

I wrote almost 300 poems in the time between the books. While Death Waits has only 62 of those poems. I have written about 100 blog posts in that time. Produced 7 seasons of my podcast For Love of Lyrics (season 8 in the works). And my son and I have done 40 episodes of The Creative Moment podcast. Been a guest on Dr. Michael Ingram’s Quintessential Listening: Poetry Online Radio podcast twice. I have also been on Josh Grant’s Diabolic Shrimp show, twice!

I also taught poetic lessons for Move Me Poetry for their Teach Me Tuesday event. I have competed in two slam contests. Attended a handful of open mics in town (they have suspended the open mic nights for now). 

And nothing has really changed.

Why am I sharing this info with you? Two reasons.

The first is I am honored to have done so many cool things. To meet people like Dr. Michael Ingram and Josh Grant. To build community with the poets at Move Me Poetry. 

I have strengthened my poetry by stepping out of my comfort zone by competing in poetry slams and designing lessons. 

I have been able to have deep conversations with my son and share my love of lyrics with people through podcasting.

I have written some cool poetry (yes, this is a plug for my book).

But I wouldn’t have done these things if I wasn’t chasing a dream. My life is richer because of my pursuit of being an author, being a poet people recognize.

But that is also the second reason I am writing this blog post. Nothing has really changed. I am still basically an unknown poet, unknown writer. Chasing dreams is hard. It challenges your convictions. Calls forth doubt like a sudden winter storm that draws out tears like slivers from your heart. The weight of fear and frustration wears me down, so I write about it…

which spurs me forward in chasing my dream of making a difference in this world with my words and leads to opportunities that I would never have if I didn’t chase this dream.

I’m excited to see what will be next… of course, I’ll write about it, so stay tuned.

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