Tag Archives: hurt

April 23, 2024 · 11:09 am

Give this blog one star.

If you don’t enjoy this blog post, please give it one star. Honest feedback is healthy, especially when it points out an area that can be improved. It’s not always easy to take, but necessary to grow as a person. 

But, I was recently one star bombed on Goodreads. Someone made a private account and gave every book I have listed one star. Another indie author friend received one star reviews from the same account. We reported the account, but nothing has been corrected as of yet.

I don’t know why, but I see this situation in my head. The light of a computer screen. Someone making an account. Searching my name, because I am not that famous to show up on anyone’s recommendation page. Clicking on my fist book. One Star.

Next book. One Star.

Next book. One Star.

Until all of my books have been rated by them. Maybe they have a list next to the computer. They cross out my name and go to the next author. From what I could find, they had one star reviewed 50 books. 

And while they are doing that I see them smile. Maybe thinking they are hurting me, getting back at me. They are happy doing this.

I don’t understand. I don’t. I don’t know who I ticked off so much that they were inspired to do this. I don’t know how a heart feels joy at trying to hurt another person by attacking what they love to do.

I don’t understand a lot of what is going on in the world.

Am I hurt? Yes, yes I am. I welcome honest feedback. I can’t get better if I don’t know what is not working for a reader. But a malicious moment like this… hurts as a person. And makes this world just a little bit darker.

2 Comments

Filed under Life, writing

Tagged as , , , , ,

April 16, 2024 · 8:40 pm

And Just Like That

The wind almost pushed me back as I took a step around the corner on my walk this evening. Wind gusts were close to 30 miles an hour. Other parts of my walk were nice. The clouds were a mix of puffy white dollops and angry gray streaks. I was enjoying my walk.

And just like that I was crying.

Earlier today I wrote an autobiographical poem for day 16 of the April Poem a Day challenge. It dealt with the time my biological mom moved us to Albuquerque. So, my personal history was on my mind. Then my playlist played “Walk Like a Man” by Tim McGraw (number 85 on my top 100 list).

There’s a lot to this song I connect with, but it wasn’t really about those issues.

Grief is an interesting emotion. The world suddenly shifted in color, as if a filter had been applied behind my eyes. And just like that I knew my biological father was gone. And with that realization came a wave of loss. Sadly not of him, but of what could have been. It has been four months since his passing, but everyday from here on out is a reminder that in part, our story is over. 

But I’m still here dealing with the hurt. 

And just like that the world is different… I’m not sure it is better, though.

2 Comments

Filed under Family, Life

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

January 20, 2024 · 9:11 am

Survival Mode

I have been in survival mode for some time now. I know it. I know why. I’m tired of feeling hurt. And not just the big moments, the everyday, small nicks are just as bad because they are never ending. Put the moments together and I am tired of having my heart feel raw and bruised.

Survival mode allows me to get up each morning. Allows me to put on a small smile, make my daughter’s lunch, and even enjoy a walk. I can function pretty well in survival mode. I have written some good poetry, played basketball with my daughters last night. I have been happy.

But see survival mode is a hollow chocolate bunny. You know the kind. Candy eyes, big ears, maybe even holding a candy carrot. You know it is going to taste good. Thinking about biting into solid chocolate. But instead the ears crumble between your teeth. There is a soft echo as bits of chocolate fall into the body, landing in the space where the feet are.

chocolate bunny

The chocolate is still good. But there is a sense of sadness, of disappointment, finding out that there is more air than chocolate to the bunny. The experience is shallow. Over quickly, too, because you are hungry for the full experience of eating chocolate. But wanting the joy in knowing there would be more later. But there isn’t when it is hollow.

Survival mode is a hollow chocolate bunny. Yes, it works. But it can not compete with the delight of taking a full bite of life.

8 Comments

Filed under Life

Tagged as , , , , , ,

January 3, 2024 · 9:58 pm

A Son’s Reflection on Death

If you are a faithful reader of my blog you know I write a lot about being a father, but this blog post will be written as a son. And I have no idea where it will go. All I know is that I need to write something to help deal with finding out today that my biological father has passed away.

There are so many emotional elements that I am processing right now.

The first is dealing with the third death in less than a year. The harsh reality that our time here is limited and unknown. But I’m going to leave this topic for another day.

This post is about me as a son. Of spending most of my life dealing with the question of why I was never important enough for either of my parents to love me, to raise me, to guide me in this life. And now I won’t have the chance to ask my father… or as any son deeply desires, to know if he was proud of me. 

A blog post is not enough space to tell my whole story. To bring forth the pain his absence created in my life and does still to this day. And I am scared of the feelings I will have tomorrow.

He never saw me play football in high school or in college. He has never seen his six grandchildren. I never had my father to ask advice from. He lived his life as if I wasn’t here. 

And yes, I know that some of you are asking why I didn’t reach out to repair the relationship. First, a single blog post can not cover the craziness of my younger years. The alcohol and drug use my parents partook in, living with them with their new wife or husbands, moving from city to city. As I grew older, I understood how I was seen as a burden at times or other times simply forgotten by both of my parents.

And as I started a family, worked at being a good dad, I became even more angry at both of my parents because I did a good job of being a dad. Yes, it was hard at times, I have sacrificed for them, but I am proud of my kids. And that deep rooted question grew even more in my heart.

Why couldn’t my parents love me? Why wasn’t I worth their time?

There was a moment when my father and I reconnected for a brief second. We saw each other in person (a crazy story) and a few letters were sent back and forth but in the end it was clear that nothing had changed. I wasn’t a son he wanted to be a father to (he had another family). So I went on living my life, never having the question answered. 

But I am his son. And it hurts to even think about what could have been, maybe what should have been. 

I believe all children, but especially sons, just want to know that their father is proud of them. Sadly, now, I will never know. I am left believing he didn’t care… and that hurts the most.

6 Comments

Filed under Family, Life

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , ,

November 30, 2022 · 8:55 pm

Tigger

I took chemistry my junior year in high school. Mr. Wortham was my teacher. He had never had me as a student, I never had him as a teacher until that class. A few weeks into the class he gave me my nickname, Tigger.

I entered his class, probably louder then I needed to be, maybe singing a song or talking with my best friend Scott. I know I said hello to Mr. Wortham, I did that with all my teachers. He was at his station at the front of the class when he said, “Jamey, you remind me of that Winnie the Pooh character that is always bouncing around.”

“Tigger?” I asked.

“Yeah, him. You are always bouncing around this class.”

I smiled at my new nickname, Tigger.

It stuck, too. Teachers would use it. Girlfriends would address letters to me using Tigger.  In fact, all six of my children got some version of a Tigger doll when they were little. Through speech, my oldest son has connected with past colleagues of mine, and they ask him if I still sing in the hallways. 

Even though my personal journey has some rough and dark moments (if you are a fan of my poetry you know this), I have always had a bouncy personality with others. Except lately…

I recently was a guest on Joshua Grant’s YouTube show, Diabolical Shrimp, and I had to bring an item for show and tell. I couldn’t find the first item I wanted to bring (you’ll have to watch the show to hear about that one). I thought about bringing one of my children’s plush Tigger toys. As I decided on which one, I thought about how I don’t fit the nickname anymore. I wondered why?

Was it simply age?

No, because at home I am still bouncy, still high energy. Even if I do like to take a nap on the weekends.

Had I changed?

Yes, that was part of it. I still make sure I treat others well. Even with my students, I do not raise my voice often. I try to make other people’s day better. 

But I am more guarded. I have the metaphorical wall around my heart for protection.

What happened?

The last decade.

 I am not going to go into all of the events that hurt me in the last 10 years. There are snippets of that throughout my blog, but this post is about being Tigger. I have been hurt on all levels of my life; career, goals, and personal. And hurt in such different ways that it has drained me. I have stopped bouncing.

At the end of this post is a mini episode of Winnie the Pooh where Tigger is not allowed to bounce. Here is a screen shot from the episode.

Outside my home, I have to admit this is what I feel like inside. The last years had some serious wounds, but other hurts are just the constant nicks and cuts that continue to add bricks to my mindset to guard my heart.

The root question is do I want to be Tigger again in public? 

Maybe a worse question is, can I be that way again?

3 Comments

Filed under Life

Tagged as , , , , , ,