Category Archives: Family

A Little Faith

This idea has been fostering in my head and heart for a while. And I am not sure if I have a clear path to develop it for you, but I will try. Like so many times before, different situations have presented themselves over the last couple of months and I will try to connect those dots to expand on the idea of FAITH.

 

I am not going to talk about a religious based faith, but the faith we have in people. Some readers might use the word TRUST but I will go to a deeper level.

 

In our relationships trust is the noun, faith is the verb.

 

On that note, let me share the life events briefly, and then I will connect them all together:

A workshop on equality in the classroom

Dr. Phil

Being a dad

Job Transition

An interesting mix, I know. There have been other smaller moments, but these four have presented serious examples for me considering the idea of Faith.

Workshop

A big moment in the workshop was the section for evaluation of our assumptions. We were presented with an arrangement of situations / questions like, “I assume a good student has a good reason to miss class, while a bad student does not.” Another example, “I treat all Christians the same.” The base goal of the workshop was to challenge our assumptions so that we create a classroom that allows all our students to feel welcomed in. This generated some hard discussions on how we handled situations. And not just for the classroom. People let us down. Students let us down. But do they let us down because we already expect them to? I’ll come back to this…

Dr. Phil and Fatherhood

Just so you know, yes, I watch Dr. Phil. Part of the reason is because he comes up with some direct statements / questions that hit straight to the issue. I will not go in depth about the episode but concentrate on a single question Dr. Phil asked. The episode was about parents who did not like the man their daughter married. Dr. Phil asked the parents, “So, you don’t have faith in how you raised your daughter?”

I have discussed this idea before in an earlier post (Trust Your Foundation), but the emphasis on the idea of faith in Dr. Phil’s question resonated this time. In my own parenting life I am at that junction that I have to have faith in my kids. Both of my boys are now teenagers. They are spending more time with friends, becoming involved in activities, and simply becoming men. Do I have faith in my parenting?

Job Transition

This last example has two components. Yes, at the time of posting this I will not have a job in education for the next school year, but that is a different issue. During one of my interviews I was asked what I expect behavior wise from my students, this was before the workshop (but I love how life will highlight a theme for us). I simply answered that I expect them to be people. I expanded on the idea that we are all works in progress but that I do my best to respect them as individuals and trust they will do their best. I acknowledge that sometimes students let us down, but you keep working toward being the best you can possibly be. Simple put, I try to have faith in my students. I’ll come back to this…

The second component of this example is the feelings I’ve been experiencing through this time of my life. It is normal to wonder what you did wrong or what you said that could change an interview in your favor. You start to think about past jobs and interviews just to compare and contrast the situations. Which brings me to the point of sharing this, I know how empowering it is when someone has faith in you. The late Mr. Monter had faith in me and he expressed that from the interview on. I contacted Mr. Monter on the last day that the English position at Centura was open. He could have said that the position was filled or that they had already finished inteviews, but he didn’t. He asked if I could have my application to him that day. I said yes and got an interview the next week. I thought the interview went well but was not holding my breath because I understood the situation. As I drove home I told myself that Mr. Monter had already decided on a candidate. I was right, but Mr. Monter called me on my way home to offer me the job. He was going to offer the position to someone else he told me. But he said something told him that I was the right person. Through the years working with Mr. Monter he expressed that same level of faith in me and my colleagues. That made us want to be the best teachers we could.

The Connection

In our relationships trust is the noun, but faith is the verb. When someone expresses their faith in us we rise to the occasion. Yes, I have let people down. Yes, people, students, have let me down. And it hurts when that happens, so we stop doing it. But when we stop having faith in people we start to assume, we start to build relationships on easy to fill boxes. We are all works in progress, but that progress is dependent on someone having a little faith in us. Thank you to everyone who has had faith in me.

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Living by One Word

wordMany of you know that my family decided on one word to focus on for the year. Stories was mine. Having my first novel published is one of the highlights of living by my word, but is not the most impactful event. Focusing on the idea of Stories has made my dad decisions more enriching. Not easy for sure, but I notice that my relationship with my family has more depth. We have more stories to share.

As a dad many decisions come down to how much hassle is involved. Especially with six kids, we are not so spontaneous as we use to be. By keeping my word in mind as opportunities arise I try to make the decision that will provide the best story for us. To be honest this is not always the easiest. Sometimes the family actually gets separated and my wife and I do run around a bit. But there is an underlining vibe of joy amongst our busyness.

I am not recommending that you have to decide on one word for the year. I am not recommending that you have to do everything your children want. What I am recommending is that if you want a story to tell tomorrow you will have to write it today by the decisions you make.

 

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Strength of Joy

I’ve been working through a deep life concept, but I will get to that in a minute. Let me share some anecdotes that connect to the idea first.

IMG_5667First my youngest daughter. She is a year and a half. She is at that stage where life is simply awesome. She is learning to use the stairs, learning to talk, learning to blow kisses. She will stop eating to stand in her seat and dance. Her brothers are teaching her how to fist bump. Life is filled with everyday joy for her. At graduation this weekend a mother of one of the seniors reinforced that idea when she stopped me to say how wonderful it was to watch my daughter dance during the graduation. There is a moment in the ceremony when the seniors give roses to their parents. This year the song was “Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake. The mother then said, “She could all teach us what it means to be joyful.”

As many of you know I am at a major crossroads in my life. And things are not going well regarding what next year will bring for me. I let that stress get to me a couple of days ago when I lost my cool in front of my kids. I can’t even remember why now. But as I read stories to my middle girls and asked them what their favorite things were from the day, I was brought back to the concept I had been thinking of…

JoyStrength

I’m not talking about feeling happiness. I’m talking about a deep appreciation of the blessings we have in our lives.

Happiness is eating brownies. Joy is making the brownies for someone else and enjoying their smiles as they eat. (Of course we have a brownie, too. We can feel joy and be happy at the same time.)

Negative feelings can over shadow our lives. It takes strength to combat feelings of fear, doubt, and disappointment. That strength comes from Joy. It takes courage to see the beauty of our lives, a child’s smile or the stars shining, when we feel like our world is falling apart. The catch is that when we pay attention to those things that bring us joy that leads us to feel the strength to battle through the tough times. It is a cycle, a positive cycle that builds us up.

Joy doesn’t remove a bad situation. It gives us the strength to get through it with a loving and confident heart. To stand up and dance even if it is dinnertime.

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Have no Fear

Confidence.

What is it? And why is it important in our everyday life?

I was listening to Lupe Fiasco’s song, “Super Star,” this morning as I walked. I was thinking about life. The track team is a week away from districts, the track meet that determines which athletes make it to state. I am again at a crossroads in my career. My family is growing up, third daughter graduates from preschool tomorrow. I am experiencing different kinds of fear in my everyday life. But Lupe’s words just kept hitting me:

lupe

And then I remembered the line from Remember the Titans, “ You want to act like a star, you better give me a star effort.”

Fear, doubt, uncertainty causes us to freeze. Let’s be honest, we have all succumb to fear. But I think it is because we have forgotten who we are. Forgot what our skills are. Forgot the strength of our hearts and our foundations. Standing strong on your skills generates that feeling of confidence, and confidence generates action. And action is the fuel that enriches our life. We need to stay connect with who we are, to feel confidence in any situation because it will give us the direction we need to move toward. I’m not saying it isn’t scary, but that fear cannot withstand a confident heart.

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Two Year (but actually more) Anniversary Post

It is all Connected. Everything Matters.

This is not just the name of my blog; it is foundation to the way I live. I get slack, even from my own family, about how deep everything is to me. One student this year blurted out, “Sometimes a song is just a song!”

Even in the early entry college course the students complain about how their heads hurt after lessons because of the depth I try to take them. And I understand why, but Ralph Emerson said it best in his speech “The American Scholar.”

To the young mind, every thing is individual, stands by itself. By and by, it finds how to join two things, and see in them one nature; then three, then three thousand; and so, tyrannized over by its own unifying instinct, it goes on tying things together, diminishing anomalies, discovering roots running under ground, whereby contrary and remote things cohere, and flower out from one stem.

I like the line, “…how to join two things, and see in them one nature, then three, then three thousand…” It is all connected. Everything we do matters in some way. I try to live and teach with this idea, on a deeper level. Why, you might ask. What is the alternative? That things and moments in our life have no meaning, no value? I don’t believe that. Our lives are built everyday, in every small moment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfhuAWGscvg

It is all connected, and I am glad to have connected with you, reader, through this blog. Have a great day!

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Blueberry Muffins 2015

The last time I talked about blueberry muffins was 2013. A lot has changed since then. This morning I made the muffins while the rest of the family was still asleep. It has been a rough couple of years, for many different reasons. As I reflected on different aspects of life, fatherhood kept coming to the forefront of my mind.Muffin Mix

The teenage years are hard. I know all about the chemical changes my sons are going through. I know they are facing peer pressure. I know they face issues with people calling them names, or asking them to compromise their values (I do think this generation is meaner and angrier then when I grew up, but that is for another post).

Then throw in social media, girls, and just discovering their own path in this world to create a confusing time for them and for me and my wife. I don’t know when they will be silently moody or sit and talk to me for half an hour about their frustrations (as highlighted by my second son who didn’t speak a word to me when he first got up this morning).

But it is Sunday morning and I am making blueberry muffins.

Like many parents, we have dealt with dishonesty, the heavy sighs when we ask them to clean their room, the issues all parents have dealt with. But as I mixed in the blueberries in the batter, I thought about how I cannot actually control my children. I cannot make them think, or feel, or believe anything. As teenagers they are in the hard process of deciding who they are. What they stand for. What future they will create. This is knowledge that is hard for me to deal with. Some lessons do not need to be learned the hard way.

As I put the muffins in the oven I understood one thing. What I could do is make blueberry muffins every Sunday morning. As a family we will sit around the table and talk, or at least nod our heads in agreement if we didn’t feel like talking. What I can control is the example I set for my family. The lessons they learn about life come from our home; this is their foundation. I know there will be rough spots to come. I know my heart will ache with the decisions they make, but my wife and I will be here to love them and to show them the right way.

Got to go, the timer just went off. The blueberry muffins are done. Time to gather the family.

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Why do we have walls?

While I was washing dishes, my third daughter, now five years old, peppered me with questions.

“Why do we have toothbrushes?” she asked.

“To help keep our teeth clean,” I said.

“Why do we have a nose?” she asked.

“To smell things,” I said.

“Why do we have chairs?” she asked.

“So we can sit down,” I said.

Junk Drawer

She even went to one of our junk drawers and drilled me on why we needed everything in the drawer. I was having fun coming up with answers while she kept asking why we needed things, even asking why we needed walls. That took me a second or two to come up with an answer, “So, that we have rooms.” She seemed content with my answers. But she hit me with a question that made me pause.

She was on a roll asking about the body. Why we needed elbows, knees, and why we had a tummy.

 

Then she asked, “Why do we live?”

I couldn’t think of a quick fun answer. I did think of a deep philosophical answer, but knew it wasn’t right for the moment. How could I provide an answer that she would appreciate?

Without a clear answer in my head I said, “We are alive because it is a gift, an opportunity for us to see what we can do with our lives.”

“To go to the zoo?” she asked.

“Yes,” I chuckled, “but to do other things, too.”

“Like make brownies,” she asked, “or to be a dad?”

I turned from the sink to look at her as she sat at the island playing with her My Little Ponies. He finger still in a splint. And a smile that made her eyes shine.

“Yes, like being a dad,” I said.

What is your answer to the question, “Why do we live?”

 

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My Son’s View of Life

At the dinner table last night my second son said he had a blog post for me. I said, “OK, what is it?”

“We are balloons.”

Balloons

He continued to explain that most of life we are held onto by someone. But we can be let go and float up into the sky. When we are up in the sky we feel lost and just wander around. He moves his hand to emphasize how random we move through the air.

He continues to explain that after awhile we start to fall back to earth because we lose air. At this moment my first son asks what happens then.

My second son explains that hopefully we find another person that will fill us back up and hold onto us.

I told him I would write the blog. If you have a moment would you share a comment for him on his idea? Thank you.

I did ask him if he had seen the film The Red Balloon. My son said no, so I thought I would share it with his blog so he could watch it.

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Rock Bottom

Rockbottom

The picture above is from the game, Minecraft Pocket Edition. What you see is bedrock. The site Minecraft Info describes the block this way, “Bedrock can not be picked up or placed by the player. It marks the edges of the map and is an invincible block designed to prevent the player from falling out of the world.” It means I hit rock bottom.

We Need a Rock Bottom

I like the last part of Mincraft Info’s description, “designed to prevent the player from falling out of the world.” In real life rock bottom is a hard place to be. Getting there feels like you are spinning out of control, falling through life, and getting hit with bad luck along the way. But, unlike Mincraft, rock bottom is hard to recognize in our everyday life. Unless we have a drastic fall (which does happen), one day we are sitting in the car wondering how life got so bad.   And we start to change, but that is for another blog post. This is about rock bottom.

We tolerate a lot in our lives, from going to a job we hate to participating in habits that destroy relationships and even our own life. Even with all the inspirational material around us, we can continue to be unhappy, stressed; or whatever adjective that comes to mind to describe living life below our potential. That’s what rock bottom does, it tells us it is time to climb our way back.

Life is not Minecraft

In the game it is easy to know when you can’t go any lower. The only options are to mine at that level, or start moving up. But life is actually simpler. At anytime we can start making progress back to the top. We do not have to hit rock bottom to make a change. To be honest, we know what rock bottom would look like anyway. So, why continue on that path?

Many of you have seen the Steve Jobs’ Stanford Commencement Speech. In the speech Steve Jobs has some advice on not letting life hit rock bottom.

Asking the question, Would I want to do what I’m doing today? and being honest about the answer gives us real life bedrock. Whether it is a job, a relationship, or a habit, the question and answer let’s us know where we are in this world. The sad reality, as stated before, is that we will live with a NO answer for a long time. But we do not have to.

Hitting rock bottom, or seeing that what we are doing will lead to rock bottom is a powerful moment for us. It is not easy, it is painful, but it can lead us to the life we always wanted to live.

TheTopWe have All been There

Through the pain, the confusion and frustration, let the rock bottom be the start of a great chapter in your life.  Life may not be Minecraft but both of them are meant to be explored. See you at the top.

 

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Stories

Yesterday I attended the funeral of my sister-in-law’s father. The main theme of the service was “stories.”   There was a moment in the service for family and friends to share stories of him. One of the interesting aspects was the range of people who shared a story about him. From a granddaughter whose story was from the time she was eight (I think she is 10 now), to a childhood friend, who would be in their seventies, that had been a there during the during the last days, but more importantly been a friend for all those years.

Funerals always force us to consider our own mortality. To wonder who would show up, who would not. To consider what dreams we have accomplished and which ones we let slide. With such a strong theme of stories during the service I started to remember different moments in my life and all the different people that I shared those stories with. Some of them are still a part of my daily life; others have faded away. Only because life and time have a way of moving people away from us. I wondered who would come to my funeral, what story they might share because most of the stories really wouldn’t make much sense to anyone else besides us, the characters in the story. Only my best friend, Scott, would get the pop can theory story or the chocolate milk bombs. Only family will understand the power of a waffle iron. My family would only appreciate the Lemurs at the zoo story, or the attack of the goats. My wife is the only one who smiles when I mention the dollar menu at Wendy’s.

Our stories are important for a number of reasons. The first is because the stories make connections for us to people, places, and times. Holden, from Catcher in the Rye, might reveal this the best when he explains that he couldn’t leave Percy Prep until he could remember a story so he could say goodbye.

“What I was really hanging around for, I was trying to feel some kind of good-by. I mean I’ve left schools and places I didn’t even know I was leaving them. I hate that. I don’t care if it’s a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I’m leaving it.”

Holden remembers an evening where he and some other boys stayed out throwing a football until it was so dark they couldn’t see the ball. Knowing that those boys might someday remember the same story gave Holden a sense that he mattered, that someone would remember him. That he was there. Something all of us strive for.

The second reason stories matter is because they developed depth to our lives. From laughing at the dinner table to packing a minivan with six kids to stay at a hotel in South Dakota, a life that has stories to tell is a life that is lived. That includes the stories of our challenges, of the moments when we failed. Stories like that are just as important for building connections with people and developing a life that is rich with experiences.

No matter who shows up to my funeral, I hope reading this post today spurred a story that we shared. But more importantly, I hope I spurred a desire to create even more stories… because at some moment in time, all of our stories will have an ending.

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