A normal hurdle in our connected lives is home Internet service. For the last three days our Internet has been down. And life has been different.
First, we have been spending more time together in the living room. The older kids still had their mobile devices, but mostly to listen to music or to read. My oldest daughter has been spending time working on her first graphic novel, the boys have been taking turns holding their new sister, and the two other girls have been running sprints to the front door.
Mom and dad have been intertwined into the activities. I am the official starter for the sprints. The girls line up next to me and I say, “Go, Go, Go!” Mom will make sure the boys hold their sister’s head right. And we all check the newest panel in our daughter’s project.
The disconnect has allowed us a chance to reconnect during this busy time.
But being disconnected has its drawbacks.
First semester is the time I teach the Eng. 101 class. The students use Moodle to turn in everything. In the best circumstances, I am always just a little behind in grading. The students write almost everyday. I am now days behind in just that class. I have work to do to just get caught up.
My other classes use Schoology, and I have kept up through the app on my phone.
Photo by former student Angelica.
But when the rest of our world stays connected, we have a digital mountain to climb when we reconnect with them. We have emails to read and respond to, tweets and status updates to respond to, and for teachers, piles of digital papers to grade.
We might have come to the point that we cannot function well without being connected. And that idea is for another blog.
A technician is headed to our house this morning to fix the problem. And I will be back to grading papers late into the night. And tweeting during my breaks, of course.
It is a Tuesday morning in August. I am not at the Blue Moon coffee shop. My oldest son started junior high this morning. My sixth child should be born in a few weeks. I have a few minutes between school meetings, and my shoes are wet from this morning’s QB and receiver practice.
Life is a crazy trip. I wish I could articulate something profound or bring to light something new for this blog, but I can’t. What I am learning from this new experience is that fear knows no age limit. And in some ways, at my age, it seems harder to over come.
I think part of it is concern for the stability of my family. My goals and aspirations for raising my kids and building a life with my wife is a factor in my decisions. When I make a major change, the family makes a major change. And that concern of making the right decision is almost crippling.
But that is what fear does to us. It freezes us. Decisions feel so permanent because they do set our feet for the next step. But life has shown me that every path has junctions and new paths are always options.
Age does not eliminate fear. Life will always have choices, no matter how routine it feels. So…
My youngest daughter, in fact all my children, continue to show me life lessons. Every morning my two youngest daughters get a breakfast bag to take with them in the car.
As the girls get their hair done, shoes on, they start eating their breakfast. This morning we were rolling with our normal routine when my youngest daughter placed her bag on the edge of the side table spilling her breakfast.
I took a few seconds to collect myself so that I wouldn’t just have a knee jerk reaction. I looked at the ceiling, took a breath, and prepared to clean up the mess. As I turned back to my daughter I was surprised to see her simply picking up her breakfast. I bent down and helped her pick up the spilled cereal and Pop-tarts.
Honestly, I was prepared to ask her to help or even do it myself. But there she was handling the situation. Something we, as parents, have tried to instill in all our children. As we cleaned up together, I thought to myself how I didn’t trust my own parenting. I was, again, quick to think that I would have to handle the situation. But my little girl proved me wrong.
Trust. What a tricky concept. Especially in this situation. To trust myself. To trust the foundation we have been building for our children. My oldest son will be a seventh grader next year. The teen years will be in full force in our home. I know I will make mistakes. I know my son will make mistakes. But this morning my youngest daughter showed me that it is not just trusting others, but having the courage to trust the foundation I build.
I will be honest, that is a scary thought because as a parent we want to have a sense of control. Just like the old adage “If you want it done right, do it yourself.” But the problem is that we can’t live another person’s life, even if it is our children’s lives (or our students). We have to trust we have built a strong foundation and let them show we can trust them to stand on that foundation.
Last night I had two examples as a dad on the importance of listening and hearing my children. The first was my oldest son at the dinner table. It wasn’t anything world changing, but he had a rough day at school. My wife and I sat listening to him vent about the day’s activities. We didn’t try to solve all the problems but did give advice. Mostly though, we just let him talk about his frustrations. By the time supper had ended life was pretty good for him. He had been heard and knew that we understood what was going on, even if we didn’t have concrete answers for him. The second example wasn’t so easy. My littlest girl got up at about 12:30 a.m. and we did our routine of getting a drink and sitting in the chair for a few minutes. And then things got a little tough. At the moment a part of her bedtime routine is to spend a few minutes in bed with us and then she will say, “I’m ready for bed.” But at 12:30 she wanted to get into bed before she went back to her room. I wanted to make sure that my wife got a good nights sleep, so I told her we would just go to bed or sit in the chair for a few extra minutes. She wasn’t up to that and started throwing a fit about how she wanted to “sleep with mom.” Somewhere I had read that the best thing to do with a child who is throwing a fit is to ignore them. But if you have a strong-willed child you know that they will pay any consequence. And even as hard as I tried, she just continued to throw a fit and scream about how she wanted to sleep in our bed. Trying to keep my cool, I reinforce that she was being disrespectful by being loud and waking other people up. That didn’t help. After about 30 minutes or so she moved from sitting on the chair to sitting next to me trying to gain my attention. I was getting frustrated but had one of those father moments where you try something totally new because nothing else was working; I turned to her and said, “I hear you but you are throwing a fit and that is not right.” As soon as I had replied that I had heard her, she quieted down and sat next to me. I again tried to persuade her that she didn’t need to lay down in our bed this late at night. But that set her off. I again replied that I heard her, and she settled down. (A side note here: we have been reinforcing saying please and thank you.) Well, after a few minutes she asked if she could lay down with a please attached. Yes, I gave in, and within five minutes of laying down she was ready to go to bed and she slept through the rest of the night. I had never responded with the I hear you comment to her before, and as I came back to bed after getting her snug in her bed I started to think about a piece of literature that reinforce the importance of hearing children. So I’m going to go English teacher here. If you’ve ever read the book The Outsiders then you know that there is a powerful moment in the book when Johnny is talking about his parents. I don’t have a copy of the book with me right now so I will paraphrase, but he is telling Ponyboy that the worst thing that his parents do to him is ignore him. Johnny can take the beatings, but when his parents act as if he is not there, it hurts him. It’s not just our children or students but everybody wants to be heard. They want to know that they have a voice and that voice gives them solid ground to stand on in this world. When our voice is actually heard, it means we are known. We know we matter. Life will sometimes reinforce the importance of things through my children. Yesterday it was how important it is to hear individuals around us whether they are our children, our students, or anyone who might need us to hear them.
This morning my youngest daughter was getting herself dressed. She was having a little trouble with one of her sleeves. Like many parents, my wife said, “Come here, I’ll help.”
Our daughter look at her said, “I do it.”
She continued to struggle to get the sleeve untangled and her hand through the sleeve. She turned a couple of times like a dog chasing its tail. After a minute she stopped and said, “Need help.”
My wife then helped her get her arm through the sleeve and we continued with our morning routine. The time in between “I do it” and “Need help” was probably at the most a minute. But in parental time it felt like an hour, especially since we were in the middle of our morning routine.
My youngest girl is a classic strong-willed child. She will tackle any thing she feels like. If this was any of my other four children at this age they would have let us help them get their arm through the shirt right away. We would have justified helping them for the sake of our routine.
It is easy to do things for our kids. Whether they are our own kids or our students. My oldest son is now 12 years old and we are asking him to take on more responsibility. But I wonder if I have simply taught him that dad will do it. For example, for years I have cleaned the dishes from the table after dinner. It is easier for me to handle the mess than have a child carry a plate with some uneaten macaroni and cheese on it and have the possibility that the child dumps the food on the floor. Or take their glass, with just a little bit of milk at the bottom, to the counter. But now that I want my son to do more, there are moments of frustration because he forgets to put his plate in the dishwasher. But I have done it for him for twelve years.
This morning my three-year-old daughter reminded me that building any foundation takes a lot of time and energy. It might be easy to do things for our kids for the sake of time or ease. But the foundation will not be there when it is needed most in life. When we are not there.
My oldest son turned 12 in August. As a dad I worry about bullying. About the mind field that schools can be. Last night at dinner my oldest daughter, who is in second grade, shared how she lost a friend during recess. Second Grade! And we are dealing with friendship drama.
I know that friendships have cycles to them. That growing up is not easy. Discovering our talents, strengthen our beliefs, dealing with peer pressure. These are things we deal with throughout our lives. But how did it get so deadly?
What can I do about it? What can anyone truly do about it?
The first step is the most important. Create a classroom environment that is safe. We can’t change “the world” but we can change our world. As a dad, as a teacher, I can only be a buffer against the cruelty of the world. I am the role model of behavior, of strength, of what it means to be a person of character. No one will ever be perfect, but as a dad and an educator I have an important job beyond the books or the paycheck: to show by living out the greatest aspects of this life. It’s not easy, and I have failed too many times. But no child, no son or daughter, no person deserves to be treated so bad that life has no meaning anymore.
The second step is education about digital citizenship. For all that technology can do to enhance our lives, it brings out the darker side of society to our screens just as easily. What was once written in the bathroom stall is now broadcasted on Facebook. Thousands on YouTube now view a humiliating stunt at lunch. A mistake is not forgotten in this digital age. Digital citizenship needs to start in elementary school right along with sharing and fair play.
The third step is to make a stand in some way before things get bad. Our stories, our expertise, our smiles can be a catalyst for a student. Last night I finished the book, “Season of Life,” a part of the story is about Joe Ehrmann’s program called Building Men for Others and it’s effect on the Gilman football program. It is about the “why” of life. And as a dad and a teacher (and when I was a coach) I have the blessing to share that why with my family and my students. We all do. We all should because without a deeper foundation the cruelty of life can crush any of us.
I have been working too long with technology. As I consider deeper aspects of life, computer metaphors come to mind. I have been working with my own default settings.
What I really mean is our basic response to life. In coach talk it is like muscle memory for sports but for life it is those response we do without thinking. And honestly, most of the time those responses are negative. We get home from work and we want to relax but life challenges us with something and we become snippy. Or we see that person, a colleague or student, we just don’t get along with and we start thinking some negative thoughts about them. A default setting kicks in.
I am working on mine. To be honest, I am trying to make my default settings reflect love. Not the Care Bear, “let’s all hug” type, but the basic strong and understanding love that allows me to build strong bonds with people in this life.
As a parent I get to test this new setting out every night right now. My youngest daughter is getting out of her bed at least three times a night. She makes her way into our room, sometimes crying, sometimes silently until she asks for me. Any parent will agree this is one of the toughest parts of parenting. Being awaken when you are finally sleeping well. I have not always handled this well; especially on the third or fourth or firth time she finds her way to our room. My default setting has been negative.
But I am working on that. I breathe in, checking my attitude, and hold my little girl as she drinks some milk. I gently put her back into bed, cover her and check on her sister to see if she needs her blanket adjusted. In a few minutes I am back under the blankets, still hoping that that was the last trip of the night, but knowing that I didn’t snap at her, or infuse the situation with a negative vibe.
It is not easy resetting the default. Like a computer or iPad, you have to go into the settings and adjust things. But if you do spend that time making the adjustments, the computer or iPad ends up working so much better for you.
So it is in life. Spending time working on our default settings can make this day work so much better for us.
On the fourth of July the three older kids had spent the previous night with their aunt and uncle. My wife and I had the two little ones and we met at a small community pool near the in-laws. It was a good afternoon. The pool allowed us to hold the little girls as we went down the curvy slide. Yep, I think we had to go down that slide at least a hundred times.
On the way out of town we stopped to get something to drink and a snack as we headed to the in-laws for the rest of the fourth of July. My wife and I still had the two little ones, so I ran in to get the stuff. My wife had asked for a Pepsi and something salty. I wandered around the trail mix and peanuts, and then saw on the bottom shelf of the chip sections, Funyuns. One bag left.
As I carried the stuff to her window she broke out in a huge smile. As we drove to the in-laws we all enjoyed the bag of Funyuns. The little girls would ask for “nother one Mom” as they chomped on the one in their hand. The airy onion-like rings were perfect.
Both my wife and I love Funyuns, but it is not a snack we buy often. It is such a different snack that we usually opt for something more traditional when we are shopping. Why? As I stood in the aisle looking at the bag I debated if I should grab them. Even though I knew my wife and I enjoy them, it was still a risk. But the risk was stepping out of the safety of a routine.
Funyuns themselves are just different. The taste is not quite onion. The texture is fun, and the shape is supposed to be round, but you never get too many perfect round ones. They are different. And that is good.
Life just gets into routines. We feel safe in that routine, and sometimes we sacrifice what we like for safety. Be it from ordering the same dish at a restaurant, to squelching that impulse to be spontaneous because we do not know the outcome. Ironically, we know we would enjoy a different dish. We feel that spontaneous desire for a reason. So, I challenge you today to go ahead and buy that bag of Funyuns. Because I bet you will be like my girls and you will want “nother one.”
Reading the book Too Big To Know, by David Weinberger, was one of those moments that helped me see something I already knew in a slightly different light and that sparked a whole new train of thought. I love these moments.
The book is a look at how the Internet is changing the view of knowledge. I highly recommend the book, but I want to discuss the most obvious point from the book. Abundance.
Courtesy of Cornell University Library from Flickr
As David Weinberger points out, we have had an abundance of information for a long time. Have you read every book in your local library? Have you read every book you have bought or downloaded? Neither have I. What the Internet does is make that abundance faster and in different forms: articles, videos, apps, music, and opinions.
School is out for the summer, so I’m going to approach this idea from a dad perspective. Through this example I hope to express how abundance can be a great thing for learning.
Question, what does “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” the 2012 Eastern Conference Finals, Yoda, and a Tom Brady rookie card have in common? Answer: My sons and how they come to find interest in things.
My two sons are 11 and 9 right now. And because of the abundance of the Internet and technology, I have been having a blast sharing my interest with them. One example is music. Right now my oldest son is into Harry Connick Jr. and 80’s music, while my other son is listening to the songs “Good Life” (One Republic) and “Believe” (Cher). They use Grooveshark to create playlists to dance to, or to have as background music as they play animal tag with their sisters.
My oldest son’s interest in 80’s music comes from the video game series, Just Dance. His interest in Harry Connick Jr. comes from the movie, Dolphin Tale, which Harry Connick Jr. has a role in. I have some of his CDs, but my son has been checking out other CDs from the library.
When my second son bought his iPod, I put some music on it he might like. The music on his iPod has grown from his own interest and suggestions from me. One of our favorite songs is “Closer To the Edge” by 30 Seconds to Mars.
We cheered on the Celtics (I am a Kevin Garnett fan) in the Eastern Conference Finals together because of trading cards and the NBA 2K11 video game. My second son’s favorite basketball player is Shawn Kemp, who he has only seen play on YouTube videos and the video game. He does have a few of Shawn Kemp’s trading cards.
We watched the Super Bowl because they have a Tom Brady rookie card. I’m a Minnesota Vikings Fan, last season was a tough one.
They don’t like everything I share with them, but what is incredible is the ability to share aspects of my life with them. And to share the original content, not just a story. My music collection is not unpacked yet, so I use Grooveshark to share a song they might like. Then if my second son wants the song we can buy it from iTunes. When my oldest son got the part of Winthrop in TheMusic Man last September he used YouTube to study the role.
The abundance we have can be a powerful aspect to our lives. Yes, there are some negatives, but that is for another blog post. My sons’ and I are building strong connections because we can share and experience life in a completely different way than before. History is important and powerful. Shawn Kemp is my son’s favorite player. He has never seen him “play.” But he knows a lot about him, plus he understands the history of the Oklahoma City Thunder (who he is cheering for in the finals because they use to be the Super Sonics) because of his interest.
When embraced, this abundance we have can allow us to naturally learn anything that interest us. It can build connections; between people, between today and yesterday, and even between who we were and who we can be, because it allows us to explore and investigate life in ways we couldn’t before. It gives me an opportunity to be a better dad, to be able to enrich my children’s life with more than just stories. I can share my history sometimes in its true form today.
I remember when “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” was a hit in 1984 and have shared stories from that time in my life with my boys. Today, the song is just as important because it makes us excited when it is one of the songs for the dance battle on Just Dance 2 (yes, I have won on that song a couple of times).
A Pic Collage of Interest
P.S. My second son made the collage this morning at home while I am at work. Connectedness, but that benefit of technology is another blog post.
Saturday morning I was working on cleaning the kitchen, getting recycling organized, cleaning counters, stuff like that. The house was in full child mode, the older three were downstairs doing something that made a thud every few minutes. The two youngest girls were in the recliners, movie on but their attention on the books in their laps. My wife was getting ready for the day.
I had started on the clean dishes in the dishwasher when my second son said, “Dad, I hit my nightlight and now all the lights downstairs don’t work.”
What?, I thought. And I felt the knee-jerk reaction of parental frustration start forming in my head with the words already on my lips. I don’t know why, but sometimes life gives us a moment to learn from, and I gave myself a few moments to think by saying, “OK, what happened?” in a calmer tone. Just under the frustration a thought had pushed through, if I wanted my son to continue to talk to me when things happened, when he might have made a mistake, then I had better pay attention to how I handled this situation.
By bumping his nightlight he threw the breaker for that part of the basement. Not a big issue, I switched the breaker back on and changed the light bulb in his nightlight. Problem solved. But I haven’t always handled simple situations with calm; too many times that knee-jerk frustration sets the tone for that moment. I realize I need to change that habit. If my son has a problem and he gets negative responses from me every time, even before I have figured out what is going on, then he will simply stop coming to me for help. I don’t want that to happen.
We teach people who we are by our habit of response. And they will act accordingly. As I thought about how we influence students I thought of one of the most patient and strong colleagues I have worked with, Mrs. Moss at Centura. Every morning she was helping students with math problems. Every morning! They knew she would be there for them, they could ask their questions and know she would help them. Mrs. Moss’ habit was to smile and say, “Let’s look at that problem.”
I hope to be as good of a teacher and parent as Mrs. Moss, to create a habit of response that lights the way to a positive reaction to the situation instead of a knee-jerk negative comment.
