Tag Archives: death

January 4, 2026 · 5:09 pm

There will come a time

I am going to just warn you now, this post will ramble but try to connect the dots at the end.

I just finished my walk about 20 minutes ago. And I thought about a lot of things, had a lot of dots on the paper of my mind. But let’s start in the middle of my walk.

There is a small cemetery, Sunset Memorial Gardens, that I walk past on one of my routes through my neighborhood. Sometimes, I stop to sit and reflect. Today was one of those days. As I sat down on a bench the “Love Theme from St. Elmo’s Fire” started to play in my earbuds. St. Elmo’s Fire is one of my favorite movies, so it got me thinking.

I took a couple of pictures to share on social media. I tend to take unique pictures on my walk just to share. While I was taking the photos I noticed that there were two fresh mounds of dirt. One of the grave sites did not have a date on the tombstone, but the second one did.

This is when the dots filled my head.

Here I was standing by her grave on January 4, 2026. Janice was just days away from the New Year when she passed away.

I, we all do to a degree, take time for granted. I have a specific pair of shoes I use for my walks. I am in the middle of logging the steps I take on my walks in these shoes for a blog post when I get new shoes.

I am assuming I will be here in 6 months. That I will be able to walk, to listen to music, to think, and write poetry.

For my faithful readers, you know that I’ve learned 6 months can change everything (A Tweet about a Death Goes Viral).

As I continued on my walk I was deep in thought about life. A poetic line came to mind, “There will come a time…” (I’ll share the poem later in the blog).

Thinking about the poem led me to something that has been heavy on my heart lately… about how much I have failed in accomplishing my big dreams. I let myself down all the time. I have books I want to write. I want to learn to play the piano (or at least write this song I have). I want to help people write better (this is an idea in the works).

But instead… I fail.

Like all of us, life tricks us into believing there is time. And the trick is that there is time… until there isn’t. And we don’t know when that time will end.

On the home stretch of my walk, I spotted an older couple walking their dogs on the golf course, at times holding hands waiting for their second dog to catch up.

It was a beautiful site and reminded me that no one knows how much time they will have. But we are all given a life. And we do get to decide on how we live it. Failing at dreams, walking on a 60 degree January day, or making it home to be a dad…when I got home my second daughter needed help getting her boomerang (she got for Christmas) down from the roof of the house.

Some dreams are so big they have to be accomplished everyday.

Ohhh, yeah, I wrote this poem while walking too. This is the draft from my notes. The final poem will be worked on later.

“There will come a time”

There will come a time

Because of a dead watch

When I will stop moving

My hands across my face 

To check how well I shaved

To start a new day

There will come a time

Because of the sunset

That I will be encased in darkness

Like Orion

Dreams stuck in position

Of a constellation of the past 

There will come a time

Because of the last page

That I will no longer

Be able to write

A single word of a poem

Or love letter for her to read

There will come a time

Because of the rules of LIFE

I will reach the end

Have no more turns to spin the wheel

Get an action card

Have a pet

Or fill my little green car

With people I love

One last thing, here is the song that played as I came home.

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August 1, 2024 · 7:02 pm

Let’s be Real about 26 Years

Today (Aug 1) is our 26 year wedding anniversary. My word for this year is ‘real’. As I walked early this morning, I spent time reflecting on what these 26 years have taught me. What it has taught me about life and myself. So I’m going to be real about the last 26 years.

Choice

I know it is cliche, in fact I could provide you with thousands of powerful quotes about how our lives are affected by choice. But a cliche has a level of truth to it, and sometimes we shouldn’t ignore that truth of a cliche. 

Our lives are our choices.

I’ve written about this before. I have made some important choices in my life, but the last 26 years have taught me some interesting aspects of choice, especially as my family grew. My choices affected more than just me.

The most important aspect of choice I’ve learned is the power of my response to ANYTHING that happens. And this is hard because at any moment I can tear down or build up someone with my response. Most importantly my wife and kids. It is too easy to just be on auto pilot with the routine of life, and that is where I’ve messed up at times, be it an exasperated sigh or a harsh word spoken without me thinking. 

It is hard, but not impossible to be aware of our choice in how we respond to events and people.

Another aspect of choice is another cliche in a way, but choose to do what you love. This doesn’t mean you abandon all responsibilities, that will lead you away from happiness. Choosing to do what you love will affect all aspects of your life. Understand the power of that choice. It will influence your job or career. It will change the way you live each day. The way you interact with people. And if you can do what you love as a career, awesome for you! But if you can’t, still do what you love.  I don’t make a single cent on my blog, no ads, no subscriptions, but I love writing and sharing. The happiness I get from my writing filters into all the other parts of my life.

But, choosing to do what you love is important on a smaller scale. I’m talking about doing the everyday things you love. If you love watching horror movies, make sure you watch them. If you like ice cream, enjoy a bowl every once and awhile (yes, it’s important to be healthy but being happy affects your health, too). I love playing Minecraft with my daughters. We play at least a couple times a week. Live life by choosing to do what you love.

Life 

And then there is the other side of the coin… no choice at all.  At times life hits us with events that we are helpless to change. My mom dying of cancer was out of my control. I did and do have control over how I respond. But life will present us with situations that make us feel helpless and lost.

Then there is the connection of life where we have to deal with other people’s choices. The best principal I ever worked with left the school we were working at together. His decision affected more than just my professional life, but I did not have control of his career choices. All I could do was choose how I responded.

This is a factor present in my home everyday! Even now with two of my children building their own lives, the house is still filled with six people and the decisions, both big and small, that we all have to respond to. It could be the simple moment of not liking a favorite food. (Which happens all the time. I swear I need a daily memo of these changes… the fun of #dadlife.) My house is a microcosm of dealing with how intertwined our lives are and the effects of choices that ripple through a single day for each of us.

Life is a complex balance of choice and unexpected moments, both joyful and heartbreaking.

Questions

You would think I had all the answers after 26 years. I don’t. But I have learned to appreciate the questions and find joy in searching for the answers.

Yes, there are still big questions. This past year hit me hard regarding death and in turn the reason for this life. I don’t have a definite answer, but even through the heartache I have been able to connect with people. I have written powerful poetry, while spending time growing spiritually. That is the part of trying to answer the questions that bring depth to our life.

But even the small questions: Can I make an omelet? Leads to learning new skills and fun moments.

I still have big questions that I am working on. Life questions that I have blogged about before. And even though some of them are painful, there is joy in searching for the answers because I discover more about this life.

The last 26 years have shown me that most of my life is in my choices, from career changes to responding to a teenager waking up in a bad mood. And even when life hits with challenging moments that make us feel lost, we have the choice on how we respond. That choice is even present in the questions we seek to answer about ourselves and this life we are given.

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July 12, 2024 · 7:51 pm

A Year

You don’t know where you’ll be in a year.

On our podcast, The Creative Moment, my son introduced this saying. I don’t remember where he learned it from, and I paraphrased the quote, but we use the idea as motivation, as an idea to get through tough times, and to highlight a simple aspect of this life. There is a lot of living that happens in 365 days.

June was the anniversary of the death of my mom (you can read about that here: Meeting Death). There are so many ways that I am reminded of her, but there is simply still the void created by her passing. No text messages, or sending her photos of her grandkids. No visits planned (my parents would always visit us each summer).

And even though these last 365 days did not bring her back, life continued. Continued through rough days, suddenly being flooded with emotions, happy memories from a photograph. 

I’ve written a few poems over the last year and published a collection of poetry, While Death Waits, that dealt with her passing. One of the most wonderful aspects of sharing the poems has been the connections and moments of honest human exchanges of stories. Every time I share some of the poetry based on the death of my mom, people have wanted to share their stories, their pain, the love they had for husbands, mothers, and siblings.

This past year has highlighted the most important aspect of each day; living is embracing the full range of emotions we may encounter at any moment. If you can keep your heart open and loving, even as heartbreaking moments happen, you will strengthen your spirit. You will know you have lived. Each day lived will add up to a year of life, and that adds up to a wonderful life lived…

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May 30, 2024 · 3:19 pm

Meeting Death

This is an essay I wrote. It was not accepted for publication but I still wanted to share it.


“Meeting Death”

I finally met death in June of 2023. 

OK, I didn’t meet death personally, but I knew he was outside my mother’s hospital room. I could feel him standing there, like a cowboy. Leaning against the wall, one leg up, bent with his foot against the wall. Hood draped over his head, hand casually holding his scythe, just waiting.

Over the years, Death has taken some important people from my life. My grandmother when I was in high school. A beloved principal I worked with for almost a decade. Maybe the most gut wrenching was the death of a former student. She was killed by a drunk driver who had a suspended license because of seven DUIs. It was her freshman year in college.

So I knew the heartache death brings to us, but I had never met him. Until my mother was admitted to the hospital, fighting colon cancer that had taken over almost every part of her body. I rushed 500 miles to see her. A trip I knew well because I had traveled that route home since April of 2023 every couple of weeks. Yes, you counted correctly, three months.

When my wife and I arrived at the hospital, I felt the difference in the air. The hallways seemed darker on the edges. As we hugged family members in the waiting room there was a silent moment when we broke the embrace. A lingering hand on the shoulder. A simple nod. Death had removed his name from our mind, but we knew…I knew Death was there.

So did my mom. I am still haunted by the way her eyes turned back time when we said good night. I saw her as a child afraid of the dark. She gripped my sister’s hand like a child crossing the street for the first time. Of course she said she would be fine alone. But her eyes pleaded for us not to go. The hospital was quiet. Visiting hours had ended, but the nurses didn’t rush us off. My wife and I had not checked into our hotel yet. My brother had taken my dad home so he could get some rest. My sister’s family was supposed to arrive soon. The nurses would be there if she needed anything.

I was torn. And to this day I feel like I should have stayed, even though Death did not visit her that night. At the time I didn’t think he would, I didn’t feel him waiting in the hallway, and that influenced my decision to leave and get checked into our hotel.

The next morning the sun was shining bright as I walked into my mom’s room. But it only created dark shadows in the corners. I caught my breath as I thought I saw the blade of Death’s scythe catch a ray of the sun, but it was only the metal part of my mom’s IV. I spent most of the day by mom’s side. Holding her hand, talking to her when she was awake.

I am a poet. And poetry helps me understand the world. As the day turned to night, I had a refrain play in my head, “while death waits.” Which became a poem and the title of my latest collection of poetry. But at the time I was emotionally trying to keep Death in the hallway. He could lean against the wall all he wanted. I was going to be a son for as long as I could.

And Death did wait. He waited until I was back home to take my mom. Death waited until she was home.

My mom was released Sunday afternoon from the hospital. Her body had found a state of being that allowed her to go home. Hospice care was arranged, a new bed was being delivered to the house later in the week. That Wednesday she had a good report from the doctor. The chemo seemed to be working, in the sense of allowing her to have more time. Death does not believe in time.

My dad called Friday morning. I remember the sky was so blue as he shared that mom had passed away earlier that morning as he sat by her bedside. I wanted to ask if he had seen Death in the shadows, but there were too many tears between us. 

In September of 2023, my wife lost her mom. My mother-in-law was at home with her husband by her side. They live in the same town as us. That last month, my wife spent many nights with her mom and dad. I’ve never had the courage to ask my wife if she felt Death waiting in the house. 

Because I know now that Death doesn’t actually wait.

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May 11, 2024 · 8:12 pm

There are no more flowers

Yesterday I took a walk along the more residential route in my neighborhood. This route takes me by the house where the gentleman who inspired the poem “To the Old Man Gardening During a Pandemic”. Faithful readers know that his house is now owned by another family (“A Post For the Old Man and his Garden”).

I now have an answer to the question about his flowers… they are gone.

The trees still dot the backyard, but all the flowers have been replaced with grass. There is not a single flower left. 

I stood at the T junction where, in the backyard he grew a variety of flowers that ran parallel with the streets. The roses would follow you when you turned right. Then tulips. As spring turned to summer that turned to fall, new colors would appear as seasonal flowers bloomed.

Now it is a sea of green. I can appreciate the open space for the children. To run, to play catch or frisbee.  But don’t children deserve flowers, too?

But I know what reality I was truly fighting in my heart. That when we are gone, time can remove the evidence of our lives. Yes, I remember his garden… but I never knew his name. I’m sure there are neighbors who notice the change to the yard, but soon, they will forget the flowers, too.

I am sad thinking about it, but also I remember him sitting on his bucket, working the ground. Season after season. Somehow I know he was happy when he saw the colors of his garden come to life. The pride he felt everyday was expressed in the beauty of his backyard. We would always give each other a small wave hello when I walked by… maybe that is what I miss the most.

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April 16, 2024 · 8:40 pm

And Just Like That

The wind almost pushed me back as I took a step around the corner on my walk this evening. Wind gusts were close to 30 miles an hour. Other parts of my walk were nice. The clouds were a mix of puffy white dollops and angry gray streaks. I was enjoying my walk.

And just like that I was crying.

Earlier today I wrote an autobiographical poem for day 16 of the April Poem a Day challenge. It dealt with the time my biological mom moved us to Albuquerque. So, my personal history was on my mind. Then my playlist played “Walk Like a Man” by Tim McGraw (number 85 on my top 100 list).

There’s a lot to this song I connect with, but it wasn’t really about those issues.

Grief is an interesting emotion. The world suddenly shifted in color, as if a filter had been applied behind my eyes. And just like that I knew my biological father was gone. And with that realization came a wave of loss. Sadly not of him, but of what could have been. It has been four months since his passing, but everyday from here on out is a reminder that in part, our story is over. 

But I’m still here dealing with the hurt. 

And just like that the world is different… I’m not sure it is better, though.

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January 13, 2024 · 9:53 am

Life Encyclopedia

In 2021 Kevin Garnett wrote a cool book, KG: A to Z: An Uncensored Encyclopedia of Life, Basketball, and Everything in Between. Instead of a traditional narrative structure, KG told his story by creating a personalized encyclopedia. The reader could look up a topic or word to read his insight or his story connected to that word like an encyclopedia. It was a cool book to read.

The past 10 months have been challenging. My perspective has been challenged on many different levels. Certain words or ideas have been the focus of some of those challenges. I thought it would be useful to use the same organization KG did for his book for this blog post. So, here is my Life Encyclopedia.

Art: The expression of the heart. See also, music, poetry, writing.

Blogging: See writing.

Death: The natural end of our time here. Everybody knows that death awaits for us all. Yet, we do not actually live like we know this truth. We waste time on petty issues, or involved with our screens in some mindless activity. We tend to live like tomorrow will always be there, so we feel like we can let today slide. I wonder what life would look like if we actually lived like we knew our time here ends.

Dreams: I debated on whether to use ‘dreams’ or ‘goals’ for this section. I decided on ‘dreams’ for two reasons. First, it sounds more poetic. Second, I feel that a dream can be accomplished, but even then a dream can still pull at your heart. And chasing our dreams should be part of our everyday existence. The pursuit of making our dreams a reality is what fills our spirit. Makes the hard days easier to endure. Our dreams are our purpose for being here. Some dreams change, some become reality, while we chase others our whole life. That is the beauty of having a dream.

Family: This is the most complex life topic I’ve been dealing with over the last year. Family has been a central issue all of my life. From living separately with both biological parents, to walking away from most of my bloodline, that allowed me to start my own family. 

There is the crutch of the idea of family. As a dad I have a saying (OK, I have a handful of sayings), “Family gets your best behavior.” The heart of this is to remind everyone that the most important people should not be treated better than strangers. Yes, there are disagreements and challenges to work through, but they are handled with love. Our home is the safest place in this world for everyone.

I never felt safe or truly loved growing up. I knew that, at different times, that alcohol and other people mattered more than me. Even as I’ve learned more about who my biological father was after his passing, I still wonder why I didn’t matter. Why their son was not worth their time or love.

Blood doesn’t define family. I mattered to Wayne and Janine (for new readers, Janine is my mom that passed away last summer). I found a home that was filled with love that showed me what a family could be like. No, it wasn’t perfect. This household isn’t perfect, but the foundation is love and acceptance. That is how a family is built.

Friends: Yes, a friend can be seen as family, but I think real friendship is its own unique relationship that allows it to be a separate component of life. I don’t have a lot of real friends. Oh, I have many friends and acquaintances, but honestly, I have one best friend. We have been friends since junior high. Yes, we have had some rough spots, and yes, it was over a girl, but what makes our friendship strong is knowing that we have each other’s back. We share our dreams and hardships. Even though we are miles apart, we do fun things, like right now we are sharing our top 100 songs of all time, but doing it one day at a time. We have been there for the big moments; we both were each other’s best man for our weddings. A friend is part of your foundation that brings a different kind of joy and support. 

Learn: The act of becoming who you are through different means; such as reading, living, questioning and other experiences.

Life: This moment right now, which is a mix of the past, dreams for the future, and the current emotion to create a unique experience for all of us.

Love: The center of life. 

Music: One of the many artistic elements that build bridges between people. For me it is a sanctuary. I always had the radio to accompany me when I changed houses, changed parents, changed my life. There is nothing like sharing a song with someone, finding common ground in lyrics and music.

Poetry: The way I understand this life. The artist way I can make sense of my emotions while processing the questions I have about how life unfolds. By writing poetry I understand myself more. By studying the art form I become better at writing, but also thinking, which allows me to come to terms with both the joys and sorrows of this life. Poetry also allows me to build connections with other people, other artists, other poets. I do not trust many people, but I trust poetry.

Real: My word for this year. This might be the hardest word for me because I do not show the real me to too many people besides in my poetry and other writings. The reason for this blog post is me trying to live by my word. At the moment I am skeptical that I can live up to it in this world that is quick to destroy anyone that tries to be real.

Writing: Poetry is my first love, but I wrote my first short story in fifth grade. I have been blogging for decades now. Writing, in all forms, gives me a sense of being. In a way it allows me to be the real me. Writing is like praying for me, even at this moment I have my “Writing” playlist going, I am pondering questions of the past, considering a few future opportunities I have and feeling some strong emotions that encompass a broad range – I am living.

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January 3, 2024 · 9:58 pm

A Son’s Reflection on Death

If you are a faithful reader of my blog you know I write a lot about being a father, but this blog post will be written as a son. And I have no idea where it will go. All I know is that I need to write something to help deal with finding out today that my biological father has passed away.

There are so many emotional elements that I am processing right now.

The first is dealing with the third death in less than a year. The harsh reality that our time here is limited and unknown. But I’m going to leave this topic for another day.

This post is about me as a son. Of spending most of my life dealing with the question of why I was never important enough for either of my parents to love me, to raise me, to guide me in this life. And now I won’t have the chance to ask my father… or as any son deeply desires, to know if he was proud of me. 

A blog post is not enough space to tell my whole story. To bring forth the pain his absence created in my life and does still to this day. And I am scared of the feelings I will have tomorrow.

He never saw me play football in high school or in college. He has never seen his six grandchildren. I never had my father to ask advice from. He lived his life as if I wasn’t here. 

And yes, I know that some of you are asking why I didn’t reach out to repair the relationship. First, a single blog post can not cover the craziness of my younger years. The alcohol and drug use my parents partook in, living with them with their new wife or husbands, moving from city to city. As I grew older, I understood how I was seen as a burden at times or other times simply forgotten by both of my parents.

And as I started a family, worked at being a good dad, I became even more angry at both of my parents because I did a good job of being a dad. Yes, it was hard at times, I have sacrificed for them, but I am proud of my kids. And that deep rooted question grew even more in my heart.

Why couldn’t my parents love me? Why wasn’t I worth their time?

There was a moment when my father and I reconnected for a brief second. We saw each other in person (a crazy story) and a few letters were sent back and forth but in the end it was clear that nothing had changed. I wasn’t a son he wanted to be a father to (he had another family). So I went on living my life, never having the question answered. 

But I am his son. And it hurts to even think about what could have been, maybe what should have been. 

I believe all children, but especially sons, just want to know that their father is proud of them. Sadly, now, I will never know. I am left believing he didn’t care… and that hurts the most.

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December 25, 2023 · 7:07 pm

A Gray 2023

I am ready for 2023 to be over.

Not to rush forward through my days. But yes I’m ready to go through the ritual of counting down the last seconds of 2023 and celebrating the idea of a new year, a new beginning. 

This is not a post about living each day to its fullest, or some other motivational cliché that sometimes leads people to a false sense of reality.

This post is acknowledging the fact that the seasons of our lives can be filled with highs and lows… making for a gray year.

I started to tear up Christmas shopping last week. We were looking for gifts from my dad, and out of habit I said, “This can be from Grandma and Grandpa Hudson,” as I held up a book for one of my daughters. My throat locked up as I looked at my wife, suddenly holding back tears that wanted to run. (For any new readers, I lost my mom this summer… my wife lost her mom in September.)

There have been other low points, competing at poetry slams, rejection emails and other small nicks at my confidence as a poet and writer that add up.

There have been some cool moments, too. Published my book, While Death Waits, in October. I completed every challenge I set for myself this year. I’ve laughed with students and family. Read some great books. I have shared ideas with you, reader, through this blog. Been a guest on two podcasts this year. Plus, Dante and I have faithfully produced our podcast all year. 

There were some good days.

But as a year, 2023 was gray. 

Life is like that. And I think we hinder ourselves by trying to cover up or ignore the low points. When we don’t recognize the dark days, or try to fill them with color, we miss the opportunity to grow, to feel a depth of our lives that can strengthen us in so many different ways. We gain strength when we deal with heartbreak. We understand ourselves and life better by embracing the hurt. That understanding allows us to live that moment, but also the happy moments with more depth, more understanding, more appreciation.

It is not easy though. There were a lot of gray days. 

But I look sharp in dark colors…

Here is to a wonderful 2024!

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September 3, 2023 · 10:46 pm

What Death has Taught Me

Which song should I play as an intro? “Live Like You Were Dying” by Tim McGraw? How about Kris Allen’s “Live Like We’re Dying”? I’ve got some more songs that didn’t make the radio but have the same message. 

And I agree with the message. But death is not a pop song. A life isn’t 3 minutes and 20 seconds long. The death of my mom this summer and the death of my wife’s mom yesterday morning has taught me some hard lessons that you won’t find in any lyrics because there are some tough things to process.

The hardest lesson is the reality that death brings the end of a life. That’s it. One moment they are in this world, there is a chance, a hope, possibility to talk, to eat breakfast. After the last breath, that is all gone. As I stated in an earlier post, there is not even a today for that person, for us. Their story has ended.

Even as a poet I can’t describe the empty space in life that death makes when someone has passed. When I went home to visit my dad this summer I felt it in the house. Yesterday, we visited my father-in-law and I felt that same emptiness in the house. They are just gone. 

I know there are memories, pictures, and the effects of the relationship built with someone. But the physical reality of them not here challenges my heart. There are no hugs, no laughter, no opportunity to share moments with them. There is a silent emptiness that reminds me that they were here. 

Both my mom’s and my mother-in-law’s death destroyed them physically. Which in turn took away a part of who they were as people. My mom couldn’t read her mystery books or take walks. My wife’s mother hardly moved, she was in and out of consciousness. The fear in my mom’s eyes haunts me. My mother-in-law’s painful mumbles echo in my head. 

Part of who we are is connected to the condition of our bodies. When the body starts to deteriorate, so does our ability to be who we are. I had never held my mom’s hands so much as I did the months leading up to her death. At times that was the only way to say I was there. To say I love you. 

Death is not a final scene with soft music playing in the background. It is a harsh reality that challenges everyone. 

Then there is life, which continues, even as I mourn the loss of two mothers, two wives, two grandmas. Two stories that have ended. Yet, the sun rises each morning. Orion appears in the night sky. Other stories are being told all around me.

I don’t want to live like I’m dying. I want to live so that when the time comes for my story to end, my loved ones can close the book and say, “that was a good story.”

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