It is the holiday season, so there are a few movies we get to see a couple of times before the season is over. Elf is on heavy rotation. A certain line from the movie caught my attention the other day.
Did you really catch it?
Consider that notion for a minute.
Everyone can be on the nice list.
There were so many examples I considered to use to reinforce the idea. But I want this blog post to be clear, to be direct. As a dad, I’ve discovered that love is limitless. There is enough room for everyone in my life to feel loved.
We choose how we express love, or who we give it to. But there is no limit. I have six children, they are all loved. Now my energy gets spent sometimes, but my love for them has no bounds. This is true for everyone. Love is the greatest gift we can give, to everyone. Yes, it looks different for the people in our lives, but it is still love. Trust me, your heart can handle it.
There is enough love in this world… we just have to give it to others… and just maybe we will have better days, for everyone.
Have a wonderful holiday season! Thanks for reading this year. Be ready for an EPIC 2020!
Life has hit me with some serious dots lately… dots that reveal the importance of fathers. Let me share the dots with you in an honest and vulnerable post…
Dot 1. We are reading the book Night by Elie Wiesel. One of the themes is about family that develops into the father-son relationship.
Dot 2. I am preparing for a local poetry slam. One of the poems I have decided to use is about an old photo of my father and me.
Then in a single night, life hit me with three dots. Two of the dots are surface level moments, but then the last dot shook me. I’ll get to that.
Dots 3 and 4. Saturday night I was traveling to Lincoln to pick up my second son from his first job as an intern for Striv. He was working on the highlight videos for state volleyball. He had been in Lincoln since Friday morning, shooting footage of games and then editing video for the introductions before the championship games. Dot 3 was just being a dad. A proud dad. The time on the road allowed me to think about life, about being a father. Dot 4 is a song. I grabbed some CDs to listen to on the road. One of the CDs was Lupe Fiasco’s Food and Liquor. The song, “He Say, She Say,” deals with the effects of a son without his father.
Then the last dot… Dot 5. A moment that has been scrambling my spirit, even today. I tried writing a poem… I have written a version of this post, like five times, what you are reading is just me deciding to write as truthful as I can.
I had to stop to gas up the car on my way to Lincoln. I pulled up to the second row of pumps. There was a white truck at the first row of pumps next to the store. From my angle I could see the front end of the truck and the driver’s side door which was open. I couldn’t see the person filling the tank because of the gas pump. I was going through the routine of filling up the car when I was struck by a voice from the truck.
A little boy said, “Dad… I’m sorry Dad! Dad? I’m sorry…”
My chest collapsed. Tears stung my eyes. I could hear the sorrow and fear of abandonment. I could see him, strapped into a car seat. Eyes wide. Head moving back and forth looking for his father. Feeling alone. Needing to see his father’s eyes, to hear his dad say that he was still loved.
Then he said it again, louder, with a tearful edge, “Dad, I’m sorry! Dad? Dad, I’m sorry!” (Yes, I am tearing up as I write this.)
His dad doesn’t respond. I know as a father that I have had to calm myself down at times before I interact with my children. So, I don’t think much about the child’s dad not handling the moment right then. I finish filling up the tank and get back into the car trying to handle my emotions.
I think about all my students who have rough family lives. I think about my own children who have said that they are sorry… but I can’t figure out why my heart hurts so bad… I get onto the interstate still dealing with the waves of emotions crashing in my chest.
When it hit me… The little boy’s voice mirrored my own pain. Even at the age of 48 I fight that feeling of abandonment and fear the boy reflected in his apology to his dad. Without getting into my messy life story, I haven’t had a relationship with my father since I was 10 years old. I know that part of the destruction of that relationship is my decision. But that doesn’t change the feelings of being lost and unloved that I battle with almost everyday.
If you are a parent reading this… Love your children. Hug them. Read to them. Tell them they are forgiven. Give them a foundation that allows them to follow their dreams. I know what it is like to grow up without these things… it hurts, even decades later…
“Oh!” my daughter says as I flip through the radio stations on our way to school. I know it means that she likes the song and I should stop flipping through the channels so she can enjoy the music.
We start jamming out to the song. And then my mind makes the connection to an article I read a week ago. My daughter has just demonstrated the power of “Oh!” Something Mr. Rogers understood.
When my daughter used “Oh”, I could hear the joy in her voice. I knew that I needed to stop so that she could enjoy the song. A simple interjection that expresses recognition and joy. As a dad, as a coach, and as a teacher I fall into the trap of talking too much… maybe what is needed in our relationships with people are more interjections. More recognition and joy.
Last night my oldest daughter had pep band for a volleyball game. I had gotten the three younger girls to bed, so I headed out to the school to wait for my daughter. It was a clear, cool night so I opened the moonroof in the minivan.
I parked in the faculty parking lot. There was not much light pollution there, so I could see the night sky filled with stars. I turned off the minivan, leaned the seat back a little and just enjoyed the view. Without getting deeply personal, stargazing is a spiritual activity for me. As I enjoyed the moment, a thought shot across my mind… then my heart. I was looking at more stars than I had days left to watch them.
In a crazy moment of thought and feelings, I sat up. I actually got out of the van to get a better view of the sky, with that thought running through me. I was seeing more stars than days I had left.
I could tell the game had ended because people were exiting the building, walking toward their cars. I knew my daughter would soon be coming. She sprinted out of the doors looking for me. As she got into the van she noticed the moonroof was open. “Awesome!” she said.
She spent the ride home gazing up at the stars. She told me how much she loved the night sky. I didn’t share my insight. My daughter was in a joyous mood. She had every right to be.
I wish I could say my epiphany made today great, but it didn’t. I am actually in a somber mood, but not for the reason you might think.
What would a day look like? A classroom? A home? If we truly lived with the understanding that we have only so many days? How would we react if our personal night sky lost a star everyday… as our days dwindled… as our sky turned dark? Would we then choose love? Would we then choose to pursue or dreams?
I know the idea is not new… but last night I realized that there are more stars in the sky than days I have to view them… I’m not going to miss any opportunities.
“Woman Burning Love Letters Sparks Nebraska Apartment Fire.”
The article stated that a 19 year-old woman was burning love letters from her ex with a butane torch in her bedroom. Some of the pieces that fell to the carpet started the fire.
When I read this, so many thoughts and emotions came to mind.
My first reaction, actually, was happiness. To know that people still write love letters, in this digital world, where we send emoticons as birthday wishes, that the woman’s relationship was so strong that they wrote letters to each other was cool to read. Of course, the pain of ending the relationship is tough to deal with.
Which brought up the next thought. Dealing with pain from relationships and love is a part of our lives. I couldn’t help but think about how many more times she would deal with heartbreak. And not just with relationships. Not getting a job or position, not achieving a goal, there are so many things that can bring us heartache in life. I wish I could tell her I know it hurts but that she will gain strength from this… and that love is still real. She will meet the right person in the future. Life can break our hearts, but love heals it.
Then my poetic side kicked in…
Your words no longer read true
Written in passion
Each letter started with my name in cursive
ended with a heart and your initials
Broken by actions
By trading in our future
for a set of green eyes
I only have this flame
To mirror the heat in my chest
Our future turning into ash
Black, rising in the air
As sections of words
Promises and devotions
Edged with amber flakes
Fall to the floor
My pain ignites the scraps
Flames crawling up the dresser
Consuming the picture of us
Cheek to cheek
Last winter in Colorado
I toss the shoebox holding the last few letters
Into the growing blaze
I grab my phone
and the book I’ve been reading
I close the door
On the burning of our life together
The headline read:
“Woman Burning Love Letters Sparks Nebraska Apartment Fire.”
I was doing some digital cleaning of my Google Drive when I came across a document filled with the beginning ideas for a new school and consulting business that my friend Jason and I were working on. This document is still shared with him. The last edit was June of 2014.
My friend is now working in another state. I have changed jobs three times. What happened? Life happened… and is it a bad thing that we didn’t pursue the dream of starting a consulting business or creating a new school? I don’t know.
Looking over the pages, the ideas are still strong. If I chose to follow that dream again, the ideas on the document would be the place to start. We were at the point to where all we had to do was say, “Go!”
But we didn’t.
There are a few lessons to take from this moment.
One: Achieving, or at least working toward a dream has that moment. The “Go!” moment; where you move from the ideas running around in your head, or even on paper, to executing that plan. That can be a scary moment. Because once you say, “Go!” failure is an option. So is success. The “Go!” moment makes it real. You have to be ready to handle the consequences of pursuing a dream.
Two: Dreams do not always have a time table. If I wanted to, I could start working on this goal today. I still believe in our ideas. I still believe in the vision of the school. But right now, I have other goals I am working on. There are dreams I want to achieve now. That is what I will work on today… but tomorrow? Who knows?
Three: We only have so much time and energy. This is the area that most affected the dream of starting a school. I was in my first year at a new job, my sixth child was on the way, and other life events were happening for both of us. Achieving any goal takes time and energy. Life is not a single event. When pursuing a goal, we have to understand this concept. I don’t remember where I read or heard this, but I agree with the idea that we only have enough time and energy for five things in our life. That includes relationships. The top five things in our life get our time and energy. Those five aspects can change. They are fluid, but it is an important idea to consider how you allocate yourself.
I’m not done cleaning out my Google Drive, but I moved the document about a new school in a folder I labeled, “Dreams for Tomorrow.”
Yesterday, the family attended a family funeral. My wife’s uncle passed away last week from a number of health issues. He was 81 years old. His first great grandchild was there. She is 4 months old. However, his daughter was not at the funeral because she lost her battle with cancer earlier this year.
Now, stay with me here, this is going to get sad for a little while. I started to think about all the funerals I have attended. Thought about all the people I had lost in my life, and how each person’s death was different.
During her freshman year, a former student was killed by a drunk driver.
My friend and former principal suffered a fatal heart attack.
As I listened to the service, I pondered how fragile life is. We all know that death is part of our lives. We do not know how we will die. We do not know the day. But we know death is part of the deal.
I started to reflect on the state of our culture, on the state of our world, and I wondered how we ever let life get to this point. I couldn’t wrap my heart around what is happening in our world.
“Love is the only rational act.” Morrie Schwarts
Only the family attended the burial ceremony. I held my wife’s hand. My four daughters and second son stood around us. Family.
Life is fragile. Love is strong. The world may fall apart but love will stand and rebuild when needed.
I know I will die. I don’t know when. I don’t know how. Could be any number of ways. What I do know is that today I can love, and that makes sense to me.
This was the last statement of the sermon last week at church. The priest had a handout with questions about the faith. But this blog is not about the sermon, it’s about the deep truth of the statement.
“There are no answers until you take the test.”
Ponder this idea for a minute… not in a school setting but in the overall view of life…
Let’s look at the powerful truth of this statement considering the impact it has on our life.
First, what answers?
All of them.
For questions like: “Can I lose 10 pounds?” To deep questions like: “Am I a good father?” Any questions we have about our lives will only be answered by taking the test.
What test?
Our life.
An answer is not given simply by asking the question… the answer is discovered once we test our life for it. In one way, it sounds simple. It is. On the other hand though, it is easy to wonder about lots of things in our life, but never actually try to answer them. I know it is scary because we might not like the answers, but life is meant to be discovered. So, grab a pencil… it is time to answer those questions you keep asking…
In July I decided to tryout for a musical. My oldest son has been in musicals and plays since fourth grade. My two middle girls have done junior shows the last two summers. I just got a crazy idea to audition for our local community theater. To do something outside my comfort zone this year. So I auditioned for The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.
And I got a part… Vice-Principal Douglas Panch. Opening night is September 13. I am excited. I have learned a few things by stepping out of my comfort zone that I would like to share.
Opportunities are there
Sometimes our lives feel so scripted. The routine sets our pace. The days fade together. But there are so many ways to step out of that. I decided to audition for a musical. You can take a class, volunteer, or join a club. There are so many different opportunities in our life to learn something new, develop our skills, ignite a passion for a new hobby. We just have to step out of our comfort zone to get involved.
Getting Feedback is Uncomfortable
As an educator and a coach I know this. I try to keep this idea in mind when I talk with an athlete or student. Instead of giving the feedback, I am receiving it… and it is tough at times. The director knows that I am a rookie, but he is holding me to the same standard as the other actors. I enjoy being held to a high standard, but it means I get a lot of feedback on how I can improve me lines, my dancing, and other aspects of developing my character. Feedback is an important aspect of growing as an actor, as it is for a student, or an athlete. And growth is uncomfortable. It has to be for us to realize our potential.
It is Fun
Even with the stress and struggle, being involved in this musical is fun. I am excited for opening night. I am excited for my family to see me on stage. Being involved is fun.
Confidence
Being involved in something, working on a skill or learning something new builds your confidence. As a coach, I try to define confidence for my athletes as “trusting the work they put into their practice and preparation.” That holds true for me as I practice my lines and memorize the blocking for different sections. I feel more confident as I am able to deliver my lines off book, as I complete the correct steps during a song. By learning to do something outside my comfort zone, I am learning that I am capable of more than I knew. That confidence filters into other parts of my life.
Deciding to audition for a musical was outside my comfort zone. It has been a great experience. I suggest you take the opportunity to find an opportunity to do the same… you won’t regret it.
I set the oven to 410 degrees and hit the start button.
Coffee is brewing.
I place the paper cups into the muffin pan.
My wife adds milk and eggs to the muffin mix as I drain the blueberries.
I mix the batter and fold in the blueberries.
As I am scooping the muffin batter into the cups, I am hit with a realization that this is the last blueberry muffins we will make for our oldest son… he moves into his college dorm room on Friday.
OK, I know that this is not really the last batch of muffins my son will eat on a Sunday morning with us. But this is the last Sunday we are together. My son’s life takes a drastic turn on Friday as he starts college. Everything changes. For everyone.
Now, major things won’t change. He will always be my son. I will always be here to read his poetry. He will always have a home to come back to; things like that. The foundation doesn’t change. But I can already start to feel the emptiness in our everyday life with this change.
His laughter at the dinner table. Raising his voice to make a point during a discussion. Playing Madden (I would always be the Vikings and he would be the Broncos). Texting about what to make for lunch. Watching an episode of the West Wing. The difficult aspect of change is the little things…
Next Sunday I will make blueberry muffins… I’m not sure how I will feel about the empty spot left as my son’s next chapter starts…
But I do know that I am proud of the man he has become.
It is all Connected 