It is the holiday season, so there are a few movies we get to see a couple of times before the season is over. Elf is on heavy rotation. A certain line from the movie caught my attention the other day.
Did you really catch it?
Consider that notion for a minute.
Everyone can be on the nice list.
There were so many examples I considered to use to reinforce the idea. But I want this blog post to be clear, to be direct. As a dad, I’ve discovered that love is limitless. There is enough room for everyone in my life to feel loved.
We choose how we express love, or who we give it to. But there is no limit. I have six children, they are all loved. Now my energy gets spent sometimes, but my love for them has no bounds. This is true for everyone. Love is the greatest gift we can give, to everyone. Yes, it looks different for the people in our lives, but it is still love. Trust me, your heart can handle it.
There is enough love in this world… we just have to give it to others… and just maybe we will have better days, for everyone.
Have a wonderful holiday season! Thanks for reading this year. Be ready for an EPIC 2020!
Life has hit me with some serious dots lately… dots that reveal the importance of fathers. Let me share the dots with you in an honest and vulnerable post…
Dot 1. We are reading the book Night by Elie Wiesel. One of the themes is about family that develops into the father-son relationship.
Dot 2. I am preparing for a local poetry slam. One of the poems I have decided to use is about an old photo of my father and me.
Then in a single night, life hit me with three dots. Two of the dots are surface level moments, but then the last dot shook me. I’ll get to that.
Dots 3 and 4. Saturday night I was traveling to Lincoln to pick up my second son from his first job as an intern for Striv. He was working on the highlight videos for state volleyball. He had been in Lincoln since Friday morning, shooting footage of games and then editing video for the introductions before the championship games. Dot 3 was just being a dad. A proud dad. The time on the road allowed me to think about life, about being a father. Dot 4 is a song. I grabbed some CDs to listen to on the road. One of the CDs was Lupe Fiasco’s Food and Liquor. The song, “He Say, She Say,” deals with the effects of a son without his father.
Then the last dot… Dot 5. A moment that has been scrambling my spirit, even today. I tried writing a poem… I have written a version of this post, like five times, what you are reading is just me deciding to write as truthful as I can.
I had to stop to gas up the car on my way to Lincoln. I pulled up to the second row of pumps. There was a white truck at the first row of pumps next to the store. From my angle I could see the front end of the truck and the driver’s side door which was open. I couldn’t see the person filling the tank because of the gas pump. I was going through the routine of filling up the car when I was struck by a voice from the truck.
A little boy said, “Dad… I’m sorry Dad! Dad? I’m sorry…”
My chest collapsed. Tears stung my eyes. I could hear the sorrow and fear of abandonment. I could see him, strapped into a car seat. Eyes wide. Head moving back and forth looking for his father. Feeling alone. Needing to see his father’s eyes, to hear his dad say that he was still loved.
Then he said it again, louder, with a tearful edge, “Dad, I’m sorry! Dad? Dad, I’m sorry!” (Yes, I am tearing up as I write this.)
His dad doesn’t respond. I know as a father that I have had to calm myself down at times before I interact with my children. So, I don’t think much about the child’s dad not handling the moment right then. I finish filling up the tank and get back into the car trying to handle my emotions.
I think about all my students who have rough family lives. I think about my own children who have said that they are sorry… but I can’t figure out why my heart hurts so bad… I get onto the interstate still dealing with the waves of emotions crashing in my chest.
When it hit me… The little boy’s voice mirrored my own pain. Even at the age of 48 I fight that feeling of abandonment and fear the boy reflected in his apology to his dad. Without getting into my messy life story, I haven’t had a relationship with my father since I was 10 years old. I know that part of the destruction of that relationship is my decision. But that doesn’t change the feelings of being lost and unloved that I battle with almost everyday.
If you are a parent reading this… Love your children. Hug them. Read to them. Tell them they are forgiven. Give them a foundation that allows them to follow their dreams. I know what it is like to grow up without these things… it hurts, even decades later…
Last night my oldest daughter had pep band for a volleyball game. I had gotten the three younger girls to bed, so I headed out to the school to wait for my daughter. It was a clear, cool night so I opened the moonroof in the minivan.
I parked in the faculty parking lot. There was not much light pollution there, so I could see the night sky filled with stars. I turned off the minivan, leaned the seat back a little and just enjoyed the view. Without getting deeply personal, stargazing is a spiritual activity for me. As I enjoyed the moment, a thought shot across my mind… then my heart. I was looking at more stars than I had days left to watch them.
In a crazy moment of thought and feelings, I sat up. I actually got out of the van to get a better view of the sky, with that thought running through me. I was seeing more stars than days I had left.
I could tell the game had ended because people were exiting the building, walking toward their cars. I knew my daughter would soon be coming. She sprinted out of the doors looking for me. As she got into the van she noticed the moonroof was open. “Awesome!” she said.
She spent the ride home gazing up at the stars. She told me how much she loved the night sky. I didn’t share my insight. My daughter was in a joyous mood. She had every right to be.
I wish I could say my epiphany made today great, but it didn’t. I am actually in a somber mood, but not for the reason you might think.
What would a day look like? A classroom? A home? If we truly lived with the understanding that we have only so many days? How would we react if our personal night sky lost a star everyday… as our days dwindled… as our sky turned dark? Would we then choose love? Would we then choose to pursue or dreams?
I know the idea is not new… but last night I realized that there are more stars in the sky than days I have to view them… I’m not going to miss any opportunities.
“Woman Burning Love Letters Sparks Nebraska Apartment Fire.”
The article stated that a 19 year-old woman was burning love letters from her ex with a butane torch in her bedroom. Some of the pieces that fell to the carpet started the fire.
When I read this, so many thoughts and emotions came to mind.
My first reaction, actually, was happiness. To know that people still write love letters, in this digital world, where we send emoticons as birthday wishes, that the woman’s relationship was so strong that they wrote letters to each other was cool to read. Of course, the pain of ending the relationship is tough to deal with.
Which brought up the next thought. Dealing with pain from relationships and love is a part of our lives. I couldn’t help but think about how many more times she would deal with heartbreak. And not just with relationships. Not getting a job or position, not achieving a goal, there are so many things that can bring us heartache in life. I wish I could tell her I know it hurts but that she will gain strength from this… and that love is still real. She will meet the right person in the future. Life can break our hearts, but love heals it.
Then my poetic side kicked in…
Your words no longer read true
Written in passion
Each letter started with my name in cursive
ended with a heart and your initials
Broken by actions
By trading in our future
for a set of green eyes
I only have this flame
To mirror the heat in my chest
Our future turning into ash
Black, rising in the air
As sections of words
Promises and devotions
Edged with amber flakes
Fall to the floor
My pain ignites the scraps
Flames crawling up the dresser
Consuming the picture of us
Cheek to cheek
Last winter in Colorado
I toss the shoebox holding the last few letters
Into the growing blaze
I grab my phone
and the book I’ve been reading
I close the door
On the burning of our life together
The headline read:
“Woman Burning Love Letters Sparks Nebraska Apartment Fire.”
Yesterday, the family attended a family funeral. My wife’s uncle passed away last week from a number of health issues. He was 81 years old. His first great grandchild was there. She is 4 months old. However, his daughter was not at the funeral because she lost her battle with cancer earlier this year.
Now, stay with me here, this is going to get sad for a little while. I started to think about all the funerals I have attended. Thought about all the people I had lost in my life, and how each person’s death was different.
During her freshman year, a former student was killed by a drunk driver.
My friend and former principal suffered a fatal heart attack.
As I listened to the service, I pondered how fragile life is. We all know that death is part of our lives. We do not know how we will die. We do not know the day. But we know death is part of the deal.
I started to reflect on the state of our culture, on the state of our world, and I wondered how we ever let life get to this point. I couldn’t wrap my heart around what is happening in our world.
“Love is the only rational act.” Morrie Schwarts
Only the family attended the burial ceremony. I held my wife’s hand. My four daughters and second son stood around us. Family.
Life is fragile. Love is strong. The world may fall apart but love will stand and rebuild when needed.
I know I will die. I don’t know when. I don’t know how. Could be any number of ways. What I do know is that today I can love, and that makes sense to me.
I set the oven to 410 degrees and hit the start button.
Coffee is brewing.
I place the paper cups into the muffin pan.
My wife adds milk and eggs to the muffin mix as I drain the blueberries.
I mix the batter and fold in the blueberries.
As I am scooping the muffin batter into the cups, I am hit with a realization that this is the last blueberry muffins we will make for our oldest son… he moves into his college dorm room on Friday.
OK, I know that this is not really the last batch of muffins my son will eat on a Sunday morning with us. But this is the last Sunday we are together. My son’s life takes a drastic turn on Friday as he starts college. Everything changes. For everyone.
Now, major things won’t change. He will always be my son. I will always be here to read his poetry. He will always have a home to come back to; things like that. The foundation doesn’t change. But I can already start to feel the emptiness in our everyday life with this change.
His laughter at the dinner table. Raising his voice to make a point during a discussion. Playing Madden (I would always be the Vikings and he would be the Broncos). Texting about what to make for lunch. Watching an episode of the West Wing. The difficult aspect of change is the little things…
Next Sunday I will make blueberry muffins… I’m not sure how I will feel about the empty spot left as my son’s next chapter starts…
But I do know that I am proud of the man he has become.
I woke up with the song “Desperado” by the Eagles in my head this morning.
As I started my coffee, got the oven preheating, I brought up the song on my phone. Tears started falling as I placed the cupcake paper liners into the baking pans for the muffins. Some of you will understand right away my reaction; “Desperado” was a favorite song of the late Gary Monter. It was a song he sang to his boys as they were growing up.
Mr. Monter was my principal at Centura. He was great at his job, but he was also an amazing friend and person. He was 53 when he died, on a Sunday, in May of 2013.
I’m sure you have seen this video clip of Keanu Reeves.
Who loves you?
Who in your life needs to know you love them?
How can you tell them today?
Because today is the only day you really have to express your love for those that matter the most in your life.
Today.
Right now.
I cried this morning making muffins, and it was good for my soul. The pain reminded me that tomorrow is not guaranteed… but love is… even after we are gone.
Share this post with anyone you think would enjoy it.
It is 11:45 p.m. as I write this. This post will probably go live in a few days. I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about writing a conclusion to this series.
This series was centered on an idea I had as I sat on the floor waiting for my daughters to finish Cinderella Jr practice. Their performance was last week. Life moves on.
My oldest son is about two months away from starting college. Life moves on.
Earlier this evening my wife and I watched the twelfth Star Trek movie (one more to go). Each summer we try to watch a series of movies or TV shows. Life moves on.
Life happens every day. We choose to walk our path with love or something else. We have family and friends that share time walking with us. That’s L.I.F.E. and no matter how much we don’t want it to, life moves on.
I hope this series got you to think about your life. To consider how important love is to all the aspects of this life. Maybe to reconnect with a friend. To live your best life today, every day. Because life moves on. And you don’t get any of these days back.
What did you spend those minutes on? Your goals? Yelling at someone on the drive home? Letting someone know you loved them? Adding shows to your “My List” on Netflix?
Our lives have big moments, some of them positive, others are heartbreaking. But most of our life is how we spend the 1440 minutes we are given each day, and that is important to understand for a few reasons.
The first reason is because we all have a last day. No matter what you believe regarding the afterlife, we all get one life. One path to walk. Each day is an opportunity to show love. To work towards a goal. To strengthening relationships. Or not.
Maybe because I am a few years away from 50, but time has become more valuable to me. Each day is an opportunity to spend time doing wonderful things. Or we can do mundane or negative things. Yes, it is our choice on how we spend our time.
The second reason to understand how we live every day is the connection to the moments in our lives that are drastic. How we live everyday creates a foundation that helps us when the big moments happen in our lives. It doesn’t matter if it is a negative or positive moment, we will respond to those moments based on the way we live every day. We will respond with love or negativity. The foundation we have every day will not ease any pain we may feel, or make the joy from a moment last longer. Our everyday foundation helps us deal with the moment. It directs our next step.
Today is our life. How we live today builds our life. We will have our hearts broken. We will achieve goals. We will laugh. We will cry. Life is what we do now. What we do with the 1440 minutes. We don’t have a great life looking back on our last day… we have a great life today.
Below are a few media recommendations that correlate with this idea.
Books
The Big Sea by Langston Hughes is part of his story as a young poet. His story highlights how we live influences our goals and talents.
And I mean all aspects of love; romantic, sibling, friendship, and humanity. I have written about the power of love before (Why Love Series), but this post is centered on three ideas that make love a foundation to a great life.
First, love is action.
Second, love is showing a person that their life matters to you.
Finally, love is a choice.
All three work together to create a powerful life. Before I dive into the aspects I just mentioned, I want you to know that I also know that there is a magical aspect to love, an unexplainable power that no blog post can express. There is an emotional aspect of love, a crazy stirring in our hearts when we gaze into the eyes of our partner. Or a joyful pain in our chest when our children hug us. But the power of love is not just in those magical moments. Love is a factor in our lives when we choose to act so that another person knows they matter.
Action is important. Yes, saying that you love someone is important but love is expressed through action. A date night. Playing My Little Pony on the living room floor. Taking a walk. Watching a movie (without a phone). Dancing in the kitchen. All relationships need action to grow. This is the most powerful way you show someone they matter to you; spend time together.
Action isn’t the only way that you can show someone you care about them… how you talk is important, too. How you talk to a person and how you talk about them with other people makes a difference in the relationship. I’m learning that how you talk about a person to others is a factor that builds or destroys a relationship over time. A powerful factor. If you tear down a person to others, if you bring up all their faults, just vent to others, that negativity will filter into your view of that person. You’ll soon find that negativity move into the way you talk in the relationship. That’s not love.
We are not perfect. We all have flaws. We all are works in progress. Our words either build or destroy people. That includes text or social media. The way you speak shows people how much they matter to you. Your words are one example of how we choose to love.
The most important factor is to be honest about how much of love is a choice. You decide to open your heart. You decide to be respectful. You decide if you are going to love someone. There is an emotional aspect to love, but those emotions can be generated by the actions you take. It doesn’t matter what type of love or relationship it is.
Want your relationship with your partner to be more romantic? Do something to generate those emotions, like buy flowers, or dance in the kitchen. Want to have a better relationship with a friend? Do something. Send them a handwritten note or go out for coffee.
It sounds simple because it is. Love is choosing to act in a loving way to the people who matter to you. And that is part of a great life of a great relationships.
Below are a few media recommendations that correlate with this blog post.
Books
Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom is a must read for so many different reasons. But at the heart of the book is the idea of how important love is in all relationships.
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a great book to consider how the people in your life view actions as a way of understanding love. The book will equip you with ways to express love to people.
Movies
Hoosiers is more than a basketball movie. The movie deals with the idea of forgiveness, family, and why it matters to do the right thing in relationships.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is a great movie that highlights the importance of action in life. Now, I don’t endorse missing school, but can’t deny the message about friendship and living life.
It is all Connected 