Category Archives: Life

Dreams Deferred…

Last week one of my English classes studied “Harlem” by Langston Hughes. Many people know this poem as “A Dream Deferred.” One of the reasons I love literature and especially poetry is the joy to connect our life to the theme of the work.

The historical message of the poem is rooted in the dream of civil rights and still reflects the struggle we have as a society to fulfill that dream. But I think why the poem has such universal appeal is that Langston Hughes touched on such a deep pain we all face in our lives; dreams deferred.

Here is a moment of honesty. At the moment I am struggling with this concept. I have always had a grand dream of becoming a writer. Ever since fifth grade I have filled notebooks with stories and poems. I won a young authors award in high school. I financed the publishing of a book of my own poems in college, but life just kept pushing the dream to the back burner. Now at the age of 43 it seems that time is running out to achieve that dream. And it hurts. It feels like I will never be able to achieve that goal and it is fading away.

Langston Hughes uses decaying metaphors in the middle of the poem, “ Or fester like a sore—/ And then run?,” to create a visual for the consequence to our lives if we keep pushing our dreams to another day. The dream will have become rotten.

Then mix in the discussion I had with the students about reaching for their dreams, and I think I understand the last line as it pertains to an individual.

A dream deferred destroys you.

I am not suggesting that everyone can accomplish their goals, success is never guaranteed. But we can handle failure as long as we have the opportunity to try. Being a football coach has also been a dream of mine, and I was granted the opportunity. And I failed. It hurts. It hurts bad, but I can deal with it because I was given a chance.

But what is life like when there is no chance? When it seems like nobody cares about your dream or willing to help you with it? Langston uses the line, “Maybe it just sags / like a heavy load.” A great simile here to describe the weight of that dream sitting in your heart but no opportunity to achieve it. Then everyday it gets just a little heavier. A day turns into a month, that turns into years, that turns into a life. A life that never reached its true potential.

Let’s get back to my students, your students. School. Are they striving to accomplish their dreams? Or are we asking them to push their dreams aside for better test scores, for grades, or worse for some other time in their life? Do we even know their goals?

I’m not naive enough to say that fostering our students’ dreams will solve all the world’s problems. But, what would our classroom, our schools, our world look like if we were given the opportunity and support to try?

Langston Hughes describes it this way in his poem, “I Dream a World.”

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Your Favorite

“What is your favorite cereal?”IMG_3775

“All of them.”

“What is your favorite color of socks?”

“Rainbow.”

“What is your favorite holiday?”

“Christmas, Easter, Halloween… what are the other holidays?”

Almost every night you will hear a conversation like this between my two middle daughters and me. We read a story, say our prayers, and then I ask them what their favorites are.

I ask silly questions, they give me silly answers. They will ask me to ask certain favorite questions, especially if they did something cool at school or daycare. Sometimes the questions lead us on tangent discussions. But no matter what, we end the day with laughter.

It is not the questions, or the answers, that are important. It is the few uninterrupted minutes we share to end the day. No TV, or mobile device, or even other brothers and sisters. Just us.

I don’t know if they will remember our nightly ritual when they are 30 years old, but I know that it is important to them now. It is important to me. I am coming to the understanding of how important the small everyday moments are to the foundation of relationships. The small shared giggles, the sharing of stories, or sharing that all candy is your favorite.

What is your favorite moment of the day?

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I am not Great…

At age 43 I am experiencing Erik Erikson’s Psychosocial Stage 7 – Generativity vs. Stagnation. In this stage adults wrestle with the idea of contributing to the world through family and careers.

But my struggle is not the idea of contributing to the world, but how well I am making a difference. It has fostered a question that I have considered for a while: is it better to be good at a lot of different things or great at one or two things?

I am not a great father.    IMG_3899

I am not a great husband.

I am not a great teacher.

I am not a great writer.

I am not great at anything.

I am good at a lot of things. I have done some cool things in my lifetime: from hosting creative workshops to coaching a 400-meter runner at Hastings College that ran with the great Michael Johnson at the Drake Relays. But that is the center of the issue, I have become good at a lot of different things but have not mastered any of them.

My struggle is that being good has not allowed me to make an impact in this world. I see so many of my friends and colleagues doing great things. Everyday they are making an impact that builds positive results in their world, and the difference I see is their focus is on one or two things. They are known as the expert, or the go-to person for their field. They are #rockstars. I would love to make such a difference in this world, but I am not a go-to person. I don’t have a focus on one thing that people know me for. I am good at a lot of things, but great at nothing.

Now, let’s back away from my struggle to connect to the idea of school and education.

The traditional school system is designed for our students to be good at a lot of different subjects. Understand, I strongly agree that we need a foundation in our education. But when a student graduates from high school are they great at something? Have they had the chance to start down the path of greatness?

Here is a stat for you: Almost 80 percent of students change their major at least once, according to the National Center for Education Statistics. In reality, about half of the students will change their major two or three times. So, they are not on the path of greatness until, maybe, their sophomore year in college. Throw in the idea of 10,000 hours to achieve mastery, and it is clear that school is not setting our students on a path of greatness.

So how can we design an environment to foster an opportunity for students to not only find their passion, but the chance to become great at it? First, get rid of the bells. The hardest part of being back in the classroom is the bells. Especially with 46 minute classes. There is no way for students or teachers to become engulfed in anything. To lose themselves in learning. To develop the intrinsic drive to become great.

Another area is standards. I know standards are a part of the educational landscape and will continue to be for a long time. Again, there needs to be guidelines that help schools build meaningful curriculum. But standards should be guidelines, not stone written rules that govern every single lesson we plan.

I know of teachers that will only do things that connect back to a standard. I remember going through the S.T.A.R.S. training and the moment when the person leading the training explained that dinosaur lessons in elementary school would have to be eliminated from the curriculum because dinosaurs were not a part of the standards. Kids love dinosaurs. Even my four year-old daughter will choose a book on dinosaurs for bedtime. How are we to help kids find what they love when we won’t even let them learn about things they like?

Why is greatness important? Our society is at a point that being good at something will not guarantee anything. To be honest, even being great at something is not a guarantee for success, but it improves the chances. I’m not talking about money, but about living a life that is filled with a sense of accomplishment. A life, as Erik Erikson theorized, a life where you feel that you have made a contribution to your family and the world.

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Damaged Windows

FrontwindowTo start out I want to give you a few dots that I will connect in a minute.

Dot 1: This quote, “All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

Dot 2: The metaphor “Life is a highway.”

Dot 3: My students’ view of life.

Dot 4: The windows in my car.

Sidewindow

First, let’s expand Dot 2. If life is a highway than we must drive to get through life. Each one of us has our own “car.” We view life through our car windows. Which brings us to Dot 4, the windows in my car.

My driver side window fell into the door so I used packing tape to fill in for the window until I can get it fixed. The front window has a huge rock chip that sits just at the bottom of my line of vision. I can see out of both windows well enough to drive, but the view is skewed.

Dot 3. Everyday I hear, in some form, how much students dislike school, or that they don’t like to write, or they don’t like to read. I teach English.  But also, everyday I learn more about the students’ fears and hurts of life. Reread Dot 1. But it is not just parents that create issues for students (or anyone). Just living life creates its fair share of damage to their windows, or view of life.

Let’s connect the dots. Everyone is on this highway, each driving their own car. A car with different degrees of damage to the windows. These damaged windows affect our view of life. This damage creates a challenge for us to overcome as we drive, so we cannot see that every driver is dealing with his or her own damaged windows as we go through each day.

At times the highway seems so dangerous, but it is not because we are bad drivers. If you really think about it, with all the different ways the windows become damaged, and how we make it through everyday, we are pretty skilled drivers. The way to make the highway safer is to focus on fixing the windows people view life through.

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Selling out (100th Post)

Freshman Year

I thought it would fun to go back in time for my 100th post.

Yes, in high school I was a gymnast and then a diver in my junior and senior year. One thing I learned from the two sports was to “Sell Out.”

Senior Year

Senior Year

Whether it was doing a tumbling run that ended in a forward flip or working on my reverse one and half in a pike position, I had to sell out.

Selling out meant trusting your foundation and going for it.

Selling out was important when learning a new routine or dive. If I didn’t sell out to the dive I wouldn’t learn it, and most of the time I would hurt myself with a wicked belly flop. But think of a twisting rotating belly flop. And if you are wondering, yes you can belly flop on the floor mats when doing a tumble run for the floor exercise in gymnastics.

This blog isn’t about all the hard work that goes into the fundamentals, the small steps, but long hours one takes to build strength. It is about those moments before you are about to do a routine on the high bar or attempting, for the first time, a forward 2 and a half forward dive.

Selling out doesn’t eliminate fear, but the mind set allows you to attack the fear. Focusing on selling out pushes the fear to the back of your mind. A moment of honesty here, to calm my nerves I use to sing “You’ve Got It (The Right Stuff)” by New Kids on the Block. I even had a judge ask me what I was singing before I attempted my dives. We all have unique ways to get our mind focused.

Selling out doesn’t even guarantee success, however, it does allow us to recover from failure or a rough spot to be able to succeed. In the 1988 Olympics everyone remembers this dive from Greg Louganis…

But most people forgot he actually came back from that moment to win the gold and he won the 10-meter platform gold, too.

Selling out isn’t just for athletics, though. Life presents us with moments to sell out. To stand moments away from testing our foundations, to see if we can move to the next level. Maybe it is changing jobs. Maybe it is connecting with your family. Maybe it is just going after a goal you keep putting off. But too many people walk away from the diving board.

It is safe that way.

Selling out will not eliminate fear; it is no promise of success. So why sell out? Because, to be honest, it is the only way to find your greatest moments.

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Trees…

Storm DamageIt was 2 o’clock Sunday morning and I was feeding my youngest a bottle. I could see lightening flash between the curtains. The wind picked up and I carried my daughter with her bottle to the front door so I could remove our flower decoration before it started to bang against the door. This summer has been active with major storms. As I sat feeding my daughter and listening to the storm, I started to think about the trees. We have a park about a mile away that had a number of trees that were damaged from the last couple of storms. Sunday’s storm didn’t sound too intense, but I wondered if there would be any more trees damaged.

And as thoughts at 2 in the morning can become deep, I started to think of us, people, as trees.

Let’s take a pause for a second to understand how I started to think about people as trees. At the moment I’m reading One Yard Short by Les Steckel. I’m at the point where the Patriots fired him in 1988 and he is talking about being broken from a few rough years of coaching.

I have had a tough transition to losing my head coaching position in May. But this post is not about how dreams change, that is for a later post.

This post is a reflection on why trees get damaged in storms.

Sunday's StormThe picture above is from Sunday. It is a tree in the park I mentioned above. The tree has withstood all the other severe storms through the summer. So why did the Sunday morning storm, which was calm compared to others we have experienced, take down the tree?

Why didn’t other trees have damage?

Why did the already damaged trees stand strong through Sunday’s storm?

I don’t have an answer.

Just as I don’t know which “storm” in life will bring a person down. We never know which storm we will be able to withstand, to be strong through, and which storm may break us. Even if it is a smaller storm.

In the park there are trees that seem to have not been affected by any of the storms. Why? All the trees experienced the same winds, the same rain, but each storm damaged different trees.

In our lives we are faced with all kinds of storms. And we prepare for them, we strengthen our character, consider the consequence of our actions, but we really don’t know which storm may totally uproot us.

What I do know is that storms will come, and that we may experience damage, but unlike trees we have family and friends to help pick up the leaves and branches. To help get our roots back into the ground and help us grow stronger before the next storm.

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What we do…

There are moments.

Made with PicLits.com

Made with PicLits.com

 

There are moments that are sudden.

There are moments that leave us wondering what to do next.

There are moments that challenge everything about you. And you know that the next step will change everything.  But that step is hard to take.

Do you step forward?

Do you step to the right or the left?

You can even turn around and step in a totally different direction.

But you can’t stand still.  No matter how crushing the moment is.  No matter how you want to scream at the top of your lunges, “What now?”

A step has to be made.  And that is how you build strength. How your character is forged.  Stay on your feet and take the next step.

 

 

 

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Foundation of Leadership

As life would have it, an idea has been reinforced through what I have been reading, watching, and trying to do in my life. The idea can be expressed best this way:

How you lead people is what you lead people to.

This idea is not about getting results. It is not about how to get people to buy in to an idea. It is about the foundation of leadership. In our life, our jobs, we find ourselves in leadership roles. As a teacher and coach, but also as a husband and father, this idea has gotten my mind thinking about how I am doing things. So, what does the idea mean?

HOW we lead is the foundation we build FOR the ones who are following us. The foundation for our family, our students, or teams.

If we use fear, or negativity to lead, the foundation we build for others will be passivity, resentment, and at times rebellion.

If we are unorganized or disengaged, people will feel lost and isolated. They will not connect to the vision you have, no matter how grand it is.

If we lead with love, clear guidelines, and respect… we lead people to that. They will feel connected, feel they matter, and will have the strength to handle the rough times.

Yes, a part of leadership is results. I know that. Having an 0-8 football season last year has created a challenge for me. And results are one of the ways we measure how well we are doing. But results will vary in life. Foundations are how we handle those variations.

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Made with PicLits.com.

 

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Crazy Socks Day

My routine this morning was normal. The alarm went off at 4:50. My wife gave us four more minutes by hitting the snooze button. I got my coffee and cereal, sat down to watch Sports Center. After 20 minutes it is my turn for the shower. My wife and I were ready for the day by 5:50. We moved into the next phase of our family routine, getting the kids ready. Today, that was a little different.

“Happy crazy socks day, Mom,” said my four-year-old.

Today at daycare it’s Crazy Socks and Hat day. So the girls got up with more excitement and energy. We picked out hats, a pink cowboy hat and a sea themed visor, made mismatching socks and we were ready to go a few minutes earlier.

Their energy to start the day and the excitement to wear a hat and crazy socks got me thinking about how an adult’s world can get so routine. How we can have a good day, but the routine brings us down. The girls’ routine would not change much at daycare, but a small thing like crazy socks  can make a huge difference in their perception of the day. The socks don’t cost anything. The hat won’t really interfere with the girls’ day. But their day started with a smile and a desire to get to daycare to share in their Crazy Socks and Hat day.

We can make a small change that will make a huge difference in the excitement we have for the day. So for anyone who reads this you can join me tomorrow, April 10th, for the unofficial Crazy Socks day. Share your photo of your socks tomorrow with #crazysocksday.

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Mixed Cereal

“Can I have mixed cereal?” My daughter asks.IMG_3775

“Yep, what kind?” I reply.

“Reese’s Puffs…”

“And…” I try to drag out the second cereal for the mix.

“Reese’s Puffs and…”

“How about Apple Jacks?”

“Yeah, Apple jacks.” She jumps up from the couch and heads to the kitchen.

This conversation is from a few days ago with my four year-old.  Lately, my three older girls have started to eat mixed cereal.  Simply put, mixing different kinds of cereals in the morning or at snack time.

My oldest daughter first asked for this about a month ago one morning as I was getting her cereal ready.  When she asked, my first response was going to be, “No.”  But before I said it, I wondered to myself why I was going to say no.

Time? It would take all of 20 seconds to open another box and pour it into the bowl.  But life falls into routines, and a change in that routine makes us think about how it will affect our time.  Every morning I say something like, “We got to go.” Trying to get the kids to hurry so that we stay “on time.”  But time wasn’t a good enough reason.

It is odd. Who ever heard of mixing cereal… (let alone pop). I really caught myself on this idea.  Was I really going to tell her no because it was different?  But I started to wonder how many times did I do that.  How many times do our kids get a knee jerk “NO” from us simply because it is different?   I take certain sense of pride for thinking outside the box, but this moment challenged me.  Showed me how fast we can react to an idea that is outside the (cereal) box and shut it down before we even consider it.  How many ways to can we actually crush creativity?

Since I couldn’t think of a reason for her not to have mix cereal for breakfast, we started a trend in our home.  It is a simple act, but a tasteful one.

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