July 26, 2023 · 7:24 pm

I am Sad

Grief is an interesting monster. One that feels comfortable in the dark or the sunlight. It can rise up to stand as tall as a giant but be light on its feet. Moving so fast you can’t hold on to it, yet still in grief’s shadow. Or the monster can shrink down to sit in your hand, but be so heavy that you have to use both hands to hold it. Its weight making your knees bend, taking all your energy just to stay upright.

I am sad.

I am sad because of the passing of my mom. And I know part of the lingering feeling is that we will have the memorial for her in September, when all the family can be there. A milestone in the grieving process has not happened.

But there have been other milestones that have fed the monster. She passed away just a few days from her birthday and a few weeks before my parents’ 52 anniversary. Life moments that should have been celebrations. 

I am sad. 

I am sad because death is the end of the story. Even while my mom was in the hospital, there was hope, there was the idea of tomorrow. So many things that were possible with tomorrow. There isn’t now. There is no tomorrow. There is no today. I used to send pictures to “Mom and Dad” on my phone. Now, I send them to just “Dad”. 

That’s why I am sad.

The monster attacks without warning. I never know the monster’s size or its intent. I only know that I am sad.

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July 25, 2023 · 10:38 am

An Open Letter to Elon Musk

Dear Elon,

By no means do I think you will ever read this letter (blog post). I’m just a person who has been on Twitter since 2008. I only have 3,000 followers. I have tweeted quite a bit, though. I am a husband and a father of six. I am a writer, mostly poetry. But I wonder what you are doing with Twitter.

I’m not mad at you. It is your company. I am free to leave. Even Coke changed its formula before. But I am disappointed.

The changes to Twitter’s branding feels like nothing more than the prevalent “look at me” aspect of our culture. Which, I fear, is becoming a cornerstone to how we interact as a society. An X marks the spot of the most recent example.

I’m disappointed that you did not even take into consideration the community of Twitter. I have developed some real friendships in Spaces and being involved in communities like the #vvs365 daily challenge. I have been able to maintain my real life connections through Twitter. As colleagues have changed jobs, moved, just simply been busy with life, Twitter has kept us connected.

But the “look at me” perspective doesn’t understand that this life is a team sport. It is disheartening to see how we treat each other in this world. There is no perfect society, yet we should be able to treat others with respect, but we don’t.  Rebranding Twitter is not the worst thing in the world, but it is just another example of how a person doesn’t consider others first. You could have worked on removing bots, making it harder for people to hack or steal profiles. You could have made decisions that helped the community thrive. But you didn’t. And we have to deal with the consequences, which might mean losing a community that mattered to us.

Thank you for your time… 

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July 24, 2023 · 8:04 pm

So this is a day…

Monday.

Spent the morning getting my daughters to morning weights. Took a walk. Discovered a store was closed on Mondays. Talked with a colleague and got her the rest of the copies of a book from my room. Got a coffee from The Blue Moon. Took a nap. Made my video lesson for Move Me Poetry. Made dinner and washed dishes.

I spent a little time in Spaces on Twitter (now X I guess) and am trying to write a blog post.

Those are some of the things I did.

I felt tired this morning. I am feeling a sense of sadness I can’t shake. I thought about the upcoming school year. I danced with moments of doubt. Considered just getting into the car and driving away.

Those were some of the things I felt today.

How many people spent their day doing more things than me? How many people had more intense feelings than me today? 

There are almost 2 million people in the state of Nebraska. Farmers, shop owners, doctors, school teachers, teenagers… all of us making it through a Monday with our own emotions, doing our own things.

Crazy to think about how a day is filled with so many lives, so many stories that will never be known by more than a few people. How many tears fell today… from crying or laughing.

Expand the idea to our country, to the world.

At the moment you are reading this, how many things are being done, how many emotions are being felt? 

What a fantastic thing this is… a day.

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July 23, 2023 · 4:54 pm

Passing a Flame

My daughters like to light our candles. We have a new candle that came with a small batch of matches in a cool little jar that has a striking surface on the bottom. They have to be quick to pass the flame from the match to the candle wick. I think that is part of the fun for them. Being quick to pass the flame before it burns the match and their fingers.

This morning, I had a thought as the altar boy used a taper to light the candles before church; that our social interactions are like passing a flame. 

There are two types of flames. One that ignites a person’s spirit so it illuminates their life.

These flames can be

  • a smile.
  • a hug.
  • saying, “I Love You”.
  • checking in on someone by text.

Any number of positive interactions is passing a flame that lights up a person.

The other flame is meant to burn a person, to destroy.

These flames can be

  • rolling your eyes.
  • a snide comment under your breath.
  • a mean comment on social media.
  • ignoring someone.

Any number of negative interactions meant to burn someone.

When we strike the match, we decide what kind of flame we will pass to another person. Are we trying to make life brighter or trying to burn down someone’s heart? 

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July 22, 2023 · 7:31 pm

Sunshine and Storms

While we were in Wyoming we got rained on while the sun was shining.

The family was leaving the hotel. We stepped out onto the sidewalk under bright sunshine, then we were hit with big drops of rain. Enough to get us wet, but not soaked. My three daughters, who have never been to Wyoming, darted to the car laughing.

They had never seen a sunshower before; where wind carries rain from miles away. For a moment we were caught in a storm while the sun was shining.

I laughed as my girls clamored about what had just happened. But as I started the car, hitting the wipers, I thought the moment was a perfect metaphor for the day, for life in general. At any moment rain can appear, a storm, even if the sky stays clear and sunny.

There is a moment in the book Tuesdays With Morrie that captures this idea. Morrie is leaving the hospital after being diagnosed with ALS and the sun is shining. He shares how he was angry at the day for being so beautiful while he was facing devastating news. How could the world be so wonderful while he was dying?

I understand Morrie better after these last six months with my mom’s battle with cancer and her death. As my wife and I made quick trips to see her, I would feel the tension between the beautiful skies and the fear and worry of my mom’s health. On one trip my wife and I went downtown to get a coffee. It was a beautiful day. The baristas were wonderful. The coffee good. My wife and I sat enjoying a mint brownie. But we talked about what the future could be like without my mom in it, what would dad do, and when we should bring the kids to say goodbye.

Sunshine and storms. Smiles and tears. Wonder and fear. A life. 

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July 21, 2023 · 5:33 pm

This I Believe

This post will be a little poetic…

This I believe:

that saying thank you is a powerful way to show you care.

that dance parties are the best family bonding activity.

that taking walks is a form of prayer.

This I believe:

that friendships will save your life.

that showing love is a sign of strength.

that living your best life means you are growing.

This I believe:

that this world is beautiful, but we make it ugly.

that learning is how we become who we are.

that eating ice cream in the winter is the best.

This I believe:

that poetry is a type of magic.

that an open heart means having open eyes.

that we don’t trust the rain enough.

This I believe:

that heartbreak is inspiration.

that a smile is a way to speak the truth.

that living deeply is the only way to do it.

This I believe…

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July 20, 2023 · 8:47 pm

Keys

Today we were finishing up cleaning the in-laws’ house. In the garage hung about 50 different keys. They hung on different keychains. Only a few were labeled. It was my job to test all the keys on all the doors and padlocks.

Some keys I didn’t have to try because they were old car keys. The head of the key would have the brand stamped on it, so I knew I didn’t need to test them. But other keys were so worn that it was hard to know what kind of key it was.

Out of all those keys I found 6 that worked in a door or a padlock.

Some keys fit in every door, but would not unlock any of them. Other keys didn’t fit any door or lock. I sat there looking at the pile of keys that no longer worked and wondered about which door, which car, what part of life did these keys fit into. Why were the keys still hanging on nails in the garage?

What keys do we need in this life and what keys do we hang on to even though they are no longer needed?

We all have keys that unlock memories, unlocks our joy, and there are doors we try to hide the keys for so that no one can open that door. And then we have doors we keep trying to pry open because we lost or just don’t have the key. We shake the doorknob, slam our shoulder into the door. But it doesn’t budge… I hate it when a goal is sitting on the other side of that door.

I had to test keys today for my in-laws, but recognize that I need to work on my own keys in my life.

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July 19, 2023 · 7:46 pm

I don’t know what I’m writing

Seriously, this may be the most organic blog post ever. As I write these words, I do not know where my thoughts will take this blog. You have been warned.

I am sitting in my chair, rolling with my “Deep Thought” playlist and Pearl Jam’s song, “Just Breathe” is playing. I am trying some new coffee, which isn’t too bad. And I am lost.

Ohhh, “Bad Man’s Song” by Tears for Fears just started playing. Love this song! You should check it out.

OK, back to being lost. Besides on what to write for this blog post, I am feeling adrift at the moment. Part of that feeling stems from visiting my dad back home. The energy in the house was missing my mom’s gentleness. Her soft laugh. There was an undertow in the house as if life was trying to find a way to fill the emptiness in the house, but it didn’t know what to fill it with.

Life continues going no matter what happens to us as people. My mom died just a few days before her 69th birthday. Earlier this month was my parents 52nd anniversary. My dad has major holidays coming up. But even harder milestones will be the first University of Wyoming football game, then the start of basketball season. Let alone, drinking coffee alone each morning.

This life is an amazing gift but comes with responsibilities that challenge our very being. The first is that we are responsible for the quality of our happiness.  Even when others try to destroy us, tear us down. Even when the randomness of life breaks us. We are still responsible for every breath we take. It is a heavy load to carry, especially if we run from it.  Which I fear too many people do in so many different ways.

But to move through hardships, you have to move into them. And that means feeling the pain, screaming at God, crying when a song moves you to. I had never hugged my dad as he cried before until this visit. The moment needed to be felt, instead of running away from it.

We then drank coffee together in the kitchen. Yes, there was still an emptiness in the room, but we helped life fill it with love and the pictures he showed me of last fall when they went hiking. There was my mom smiling on a bridge in her University of Wyoming gear.

I’ll end with a song that played while I was writing… (Seriously it did!)

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July 18, 2023 · 4:24 pm

Danger

There are warning signs. Always are. The park had two signs. But in a second there was danger.

Rattlesnake

Yes, a rattlesnake appeared in the picnic area.

Not as we adventures on the hiking trails. Played in the river. No, as we took a break to discus what to do next the above rattlesnake appeared. When we thought we were safe from the warning signs.

Isn’t that how it happens. Danger appears at the moment we let our guard down, or when we least expect it.

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July 17, 2023 · 1:06 pm

Little Adventures

Using the app as I travel, so this is a new adventure in itself.

Trees and blue sky

The photo above is from a small hike we took at the Pine Bluffs rest stop. We visited the dig site, Window to the Past. We spent 30 minutes having a small adventure.

We ate lunch at one of the McDs that you have to use the kiosk to order… yep, that was a small adventure.

As life changes, I’m appreciating the big memories made when I take small adventures.

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